Me and The Boys

Running and Recharging

This weekend's run was a 16-miler, and I hemmed and hawed about whether I should do it Saturday or Sunday. The forecast called for snow all day Saturday, and frigid temperatures and gusty winds on Sunday.

I was worried about slippery roads from the snow Saturday but as the storm kept getting downgraded, I decided to go for it and got up bright and early to try to get out before the worst of the snow hit.

And I am so, so glad I did. It snowed the whole time - light showers at first, and pretty steadily during the second hour - but it never stuck to the roads, so there was no ice or slush or anything to worry about, and it was about 35 degrees, so not too cold.

Honestly, it was pretty fun. Getting hit in the face with big fat snowflakes took a little getting used to, but once I adjusted to that, it was nice watching the snow fall, and seeing the light dusting of snow on the grass and trees.

I finished the 16 miles feeling good, with an average pace of 8:24, and found myself daydreaming more and more of a sub-3:40 finish at Gansett, and feeling like it's not as much of a pipe dream as I once thought it was.

I'm not saying it's going to be easy, by any means, but based on my tempo runs and my long runs so far this training cycle, I think I have it in me.

I took a completely new route Saturday, which was refreshing. And after having some company on my last few long runs, I was actually kind of excited to run solo and listen to music, and it was a nice change. I love having company for the really long runs, but the solitude can be nice, too.

This weekend was also almost the end of the 10-Day Family Re-Charge. All of the communication and ideas have been so wonderful, and I've appreciated and am working on absorbing all of them, and will continue to do so, even though the program has officially ended.

But the day one message is still the one that's resonated most for me, and I had a very vivid reminder of that last night.

We had Scott's dad and a friend over for dinner, which is something we do pretty frequently, and Carmine usually runs over to Granddad and wants to sit with him the entire time he's here. He LOVES his granddad.

Except for last night.

He flipped out, and was clinging to me, and wouldn't go over to see Granddad for anything in the world. He was alternating between seeming nervous, and then laughing and being silly. But there was no way he was going to visit with our guests, and he had no intention of letting me visit with them, either.

He was totally off the wall in other ways, too - yelling, throwing toys, and just generally running around like a nut. I managed to get him calmed down enough to sit at the table and eat a few bites of food, and I was able to inhale my dinner, and then he started acting up again.

I had been getting increasingly agitated and frustrated, and feeling completely at my wit's end.

But instead of giving into that and getting angrier and more frustrated, I simply plucked him out of his seat and took him in the living room.

We sat on the floor, I took out his Little People pirate ship, and we sat there and played with it for half an hour while everyone else ate their dinner.

Then for the next half hour, while everyone else ate dessert, we covered up with a blanket and laid down on the floor and pretended to go "neh-nee."

I almost forgot anyone else was there, and it was one of the most fun hours I've ever spent with my little boy. It was so awesome to just sit and watch him play, and see how he figured things out - and how captivated he was by just one simple toy. And how his eyes lit up when I was laying on the floor next to him and reached over to give him a hug.

Because he was feeling so overwhelmed, or nervous, or scared, or whatever it was he was feeling, I knew I couldn't get up to do anything else. I couldn't get distracted by having to clean up the kitchen, or fold laundry, or get on my computer.

I had to stay right where I was, and devote my full attention to that moment and that cute, funny, amazing little 2-year-old boy, and instead of making me feel restless, it made me relieved.

It was such a treat to not feel like I was being pulled in three different directions. It was like I had pressed a pause button, and everything else fell away, and I was happy to see it go.

We laughed, we giggled, we hugged, and we chatted, and I completely forgot about how he had been 'ruining' my evening.

Sure, I missed out on socializing with our guests. But I gained so much in return.

I am so very glad I'm here.

Day Five

Pause. Integrate. Rest. Words that aren't a big part of my vocabulary.

I'm not a person who does well with quiet time. Sure, I enjoy when the kids are asleep at night and the house is quiet, but I'm rarely still. I'm rarely able to sit and do nothing, or even less than one thing.

I generally have at least two or three things going at once, and while I'm working on those things, I'm thinking about what I'll do next, and what I'll do tomorrow, and where I'll be signing the boys up for summer camp this year, and what weekend we're going to schedule Gabe's birthday party for...... 

So today's message was perfect. It's one I hear often, but I still struggle with putting it into practice.

Pause. Integrate. Rest.

The first 4 days of this program have given me so much to think about, and so many ideas to ponder. They're all wonderful ideas - very inspiring, very moving, very thought-provoking - but it's been a lot to add to the mix that's already swirling around my type-A brain on a daily basis.

I'm constantly looking ahead, constantly on the hunt for new ideas - some to keep our family more organized, some to promote better behavior from the boys, and some just for fun (search Pinterest for kids crafts, and before you know it, you will have pinned an entire year's worth!).

I don't think this is a bad thing. What family couldn't use more organization, better behavior, and more fun?  And being on the hunt for new ideas/approaches is what led me to the 10-Day Recharge, which is definitely a good thing : )

But sometimes I get too caught up in all that, and I forget what Erin reminded us of today in her audio message. These are the words that I felt the most:

"You are enough."

Systems, rewards, special activities aside - what my boys need most is ME.

As I thought about this, I thought about my own parents and my own childhood, which was beyond wonderful.  I remember lots of specific fun stuff from childhood - day trips, holidays, cookouts with friends and cousins, summer days spent splashing in the pool or running around the backyard. 

But even if I didn't remember all those things, I'd remember a feeling. The feeling that I was special, and loved, and that no matter what I did, or what happened, my family would always, always, always be there for me.

I always say that I hope to be half as good a mom to my boys as my mom was to us, and I never really thought about it before, but I think when I say that, what I mean is that I want to create that feeling of love, and warmth, and togetherness.

When Gabe and Dante and Carmine grow up, I want them to remember all the fun stuff, all the memories we've created. But mostly I want them to have that same feeling I have.

And it doesn't take any money or special system or fancy reward to give them that. It just takes me.

Thank you for the reminder, Erin : )

Day One

Day one of the 10-Day Family Recharge - today's message was "So Glad I'm Here." 

Life may be chaotic, it may be difficult at times, it may present more challenges than you feel you can handle. But it's also a gift.

We were reminded to stop at several times during the day and remember this, and to take a moment to think about how, despite all its imperfections (or because of them), your life is also beautiful and awe-inspiring.

And as I sat in an elementary school gym this morning, watching Gabe play basketball, I took that moment. I saw his lanky almost-8-year-old body flying back and forth on the basketball court, not entirely sure of what he was supposed to be doing, but still loving every minute of it. And I watched Dante sitting on the floor next to me, engrossed in playing with his matchbox cars.

It was all so ordinary, yet completely extraordinary. I used to wonder if there ever came a time, as a parent, when you stopped having those moments where you step back and look at your kids and are positively dumbfounded that they are your flesh and blood, and that you are responsible for their care and well-being, and that you love them more than you ever thought it was possible to love someone. In those moments, you sometimes wonder if it's all a dream, because how could that have possibly happened?

Those moments happen a lot when you first bring your baby home, but as the years go by, they're more infrequent.

But as I found today, they do still happen. As I listened to the chorus of sneakers squeaking on the gym floor, and basketballs smashing into backboards - in the midst of that bustle and noise, it was suddenly amazing to me that I am so lucky to be a mom to these three little boys who have changed my life in ways I never thought possible. They're here, and they're healthy, and they're growing and thriving, and Scott and I have somehow made all that possible.

This was my moment today, and it almost moved me to tears. I breathed it in, and let it wash over me, and the one emotion that kept coming into my head was extreme gratitude.

Gratitude for all I've been given, and for everything that's still to come. I cannot even fathom how we got so lucky, to be where we are, with what we have. And I only hope that I can continue to cultivate a greater appreciation for it.

So it worked. The message got through, loud and clear, and I was able to put it into practice.

Our day wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, of course - nor do I expect it to be, which is the other part of the message. It's all connected - the joy, the gratitude, the wonder - they go right along with the less glamorous parts of this journey, and you can't have one without the other.

Case in point - as we drove home from basketball, I had to referee several fights in the car, and while we were outside this afternoon, there were multiple incidents of bickering, tattling, pushing, and children 'accidentally' hitting each other.

On some of those occasions, I reacted calmly and with a level head - and on a few of those occasions, I lost my patience and got angry.

But overall, I do feel like my head is in a better place (or at least working on getting there). A more thankful place. A more present place.

And being in those places also puts me in a more hopeful, optimistic, happy frame of mind, which makes it much easier to deal with the nitty-gritty and the daily grind, and the parts of the dream that you wish you really could just wake up from.  

It is a grind, and it will continue to sometimes wear me down. But it's also a gift, and I feel like I'm just beginning the process of unwrapping it. I can't wait to continue.