Moving Forward

I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in weeks, and it was such a relief. I don't know how long my good mood will last, but I'm not going to think about that right now - I'm just going to enjoy it for what it is, and make the most of it. 

Even more than feeling good emotionally, it's the first time in weeks that I've felt good physically. Last spring, I never actually miscarried, and instead had to go in for a D&C. And while that was a little taxing, it didn't take anywhere near the toll that this miscarriage has taken on me. I have spent the last two weeks feeling completely exhausted and drained of energy. And anyone who knows me knows that that is not my personality, and it's been really unsettling and depressing to get tired just from walking up a flight of stairs. 

I've still been doing some running despite the exhaustion, but it hasn't been going well. Pretty much every run I've had in these past two weeks was a bad one. I just felt tired and sluggish and slow, and was not enjoying running at all. It was not proving to be the uplifting experience it usually is for me. In the face of almost any disappointment or frustration in my life, I have always been able to count on a run to make me feel better, at least temporarily. It always lifted my spirits and made me feel hopeful. 

But that was gone these past few weeks, and that just added to my depression. To not even have that to count on was more frustrating than you can imagine. But this morning, I finally, finally got it back. I could tell from the first step I took. I didn't feel like I was plodding along, forcing myself to keep moving. It felt fun again - finally. 

And even before I got out for my run, I could tell that the day had a very different feel to it. It just feels like something has shifted, and I can see through the fog again. I came downstairs with the boys this morning, and I was able to look at them and clearly see how amazingly lucky I am to have them, and to have family and friends who care about us, and so many things that I am so blessed with. 

The pain isn't gone entirely, nor would I expect it to be at this point, but I feel like it's not overshadowing everything, and it's not weighing me down quite so much. And I can see a point in the future where I will move past it and feel more hopeful again. I'm not sure how far off that point is, but I have confidence that I'll get there, and that's enough for me right now, because just a few days ago, I didn't even have that. 

I still have a ways to go to get to a point where I feel healed, but I feel like I've at least begun the journey now, and for that, I'm very, very thankful. 

Comments

[Wes]

I am glad that you are on the rebound :-) I can almost guarantee, as crappy as the runs were, the have helped you on the path to recovery! You and Scott are fortunate to have each other. Their is no mountain you cannot climb together.

[Chad in the AZ Desert]

I'm glad to hear you are on the comeback trail and running is giving you a boost again.