Me and The Boys

A Different Kind of Mental Toughness

I'm a pretty superstitious person. I always try to run on treadmill number 4 at the gym, and it's become my lucky number. I had a lucky hat that I wore at every race for a couple of years, and only retired once I completed Hartford and got my BQ. If I'm talking about how long I've gone without a major running injury, I always punctuate the statement with the phrase "knock on wood."

So as the weeks, and then months (4 and counting), were passing without me having had an episode of exercise-induced anaphylaxis, I didn't mention it to anyone. I was afraid I'd jinx myself.

And when I found out there was a new, significantly smaller epi-pen available, I immediately called my allergist and got one for myself (so much easier to carry while running!), all the while secretly hoping that maybe I'd never need it. Maybe I was going to be one of those lucky people for whom the condition disappears as suddenly and mysteriously as it appeared.

But 5 miles into my 15-mile run yesterday, my luck ran out.

I was scheduled to run 15 miles at an 8:10 pace, and I was having a blast. That's a really nice pace for me, and my body just seems to naturally settle into it, without much effort or concentration, and every time my Garmin beeped, I was so pleased to see that every mile was within seconds of my goal. Consistent pacing is a skill that can be very hard to learn, and something I still sometimes struggle with, so it's always a bonus when it comes easy.

Then as I turned a corner and headed into town, I felt a weird tingling in my hands. They weren't itchy, which is usually the first sign that something's going on - but they felt unusually warm and odd.

I was instantly on alert, but didn't stop right away. I wasn't entirely sure if it was just that I was warming up and needed to take my gloves off.

But then my face started to feel really warm, and my upper lip started to feel funny and swollen. Then a few steps later, I realized I was having trouble catching my breath, and with every step I took, I felt like a car running out of gas - the energy was just seeping out of me, and each step felt slower than the last. And I knew. 

This all happened over the course of about a minute, so I had only run another couple hundred yards or so, and I knew that was it. I sat down, popped a Benadryl, called Scott, and hoped that this one wasn't going to be a doozy that would land me in the ER.

Luckily it wasn't - mostly, I think, because I stopped running right away. There have been too many times that I've doubted the symptoms, and brushed them off as just being a result of me overheating or pushing myself too hard - too many times that I've been in denial and hoped that it would just magically stop.

But this time I paid attention to the signals, and I listened, because I reminded myself of how awful I felt the last time this happened, when I ended up having to use my epi-pen and spend the morning in the ER. I remembered how scary it felt - like my body was going completely haywire - and I did not want to feel that way again.

Thankfully I didn't - I spent about 40 minutes laying in bed with severe chills, and my legs and torso covered in big red blotches that never quite developed into hives. Not the greatest way to spend my morning, but it could have been far, far worse.

The worst of it was actually the way I felt afterward, emotionally. A lovely combination of anger and depression that I just couldn't shake. Sadly, I knew the best way to shake it would be to go out for a run. And honestly, I almost did. Once I was feeling better, I wanted so badly to put my sneakers back on and get out there and show my body who's boss. I wanted to pound out the fear and the anger and the sadness the only way I know how. 

But just as much as I wanted to do that, as much as I craved the feeling I knew I'd have if I had a great run - I was terrified of how much deeper I'd sink into depression if I didn't have a great run, if the anaphylaxis struck again.

I did go the gym and worked up a good sweat on the elliptical and bike, though. It didn't give me the satisfaction of knowing that I had completed my planned workout, but it did grant me some much-needed stress relief and a shot of some mood-boosting endorphins.

Along with being angry just at the fact of this happening again, I was angry that this meant I was missing a training run. I know that missing a long run isn't a huge deal, and that in the grand scheme of things, it probably won't make a bit of difference in terms of how I do on race day. But I'm very much a type A person, and when I have a plan, I stick to it, and I do not like the way it feels to deviate from that plan, to have that workout not completed.

And I like it even less when deviations from the plan are not of my own choosing; when they're entirely out of my control. And that's really what this all comes down to in the end.

I love the blog Mile Posts. Dorothy Beal is such an inspiration to me - an amazing mom, amazing runner, and an amazing writer, too. She has a motto that I love, but it struck me yesterday that it's one that I can't truly live by - "I Run This Body."

99% of the time, I do feel like I run this body - I feel like I can overcome just about anything. I can train in really bad weather; I can run 13 miles on the treadmill; I can power through intervals at paces that I never imagined I'd be able to run; at the end of a long run, I can find strength that I never knew I had. I can overcome the bad runs, the tough workouts, and the negative thoughts.

But I cannot overcome anaphylaxis. There's no powering through when your body is going completely berserk. There's nothing to do but surrender, and it makes me want to cry to feel so utterly powerless.

When you're in a spot where the thing that makes you feel stronger and healthier than you've ever felt in your life has suddenly made you feel completely vulnerable and terrified - it's an awful, terrible place to be.

So, for at least the next few days, until the memory of this attack fades, this is my new mental battle. To put the fear aside and put my sneakers back on and complete the next workout. To remind myself that for every time this does happen, there's countless other times that it doesn't. To cross my fingers and toes and enlist every other silly superstition I can, in the hopes that it does NOT happen on April 15th.

And to take a deep breath and remember that even though I can't conquer this physically, I can conquer it mentally. I don't have to let it get the best of me, and I won't let it stop me from doing what I love. My runs may be tinged with a little bit of anxiety for the next few days, but rest assured, they will happen.

There will always be that 1% of the time that I don't run this body, but I won't dwell on that - I'll move on and focus on the 99% of the time that I do.

Still More Questions Than Answers

This morning I made the trip up to Brigham and Women's center for Allergy and Immunology, in the hopes that a second opinion might shed some new light on this bizarre exercise-induced anaphylaxis I've been dealing with since last May.

The doctor I saw seemed very knowledgeable, and pretty well-informed on this condition, but unfortunately, there wasn't much he could tell me above and beyond what my local allergist has already covered.

We went over the history of all the reactions I've had, discussed the potential triggers, and what I've been doing up to this point to attempt to control/prevent the reactions, and we ended up right back where I end up every time I talk to anyone about this - it's a very uncommon, very unusual, and somewhat mysterious affliction, and we may never know why it's happening to me, and we almost certainly will never really be able to definitively 'fix' it.

You might think this would be really discouraging - to drive almost 2 hours just to hear the same thing I've already heard several times before. But it's really not, because honestly, I kind of suspected that that's what was going to happen. 

I've done plenty of my own research on this condition, and the fact of the matter is, it's just not well understood, even among the most skilled and qualified doctors. There was a small part of me that hoped that maybe I'd learn something new that would help me understand what's going on, and how to help prevent it or cope with it. But I knew the chances of that happening were slim.

I did have some bloodwork done, though, in an attempt to rule out a few possible allergens - namely, the foods that I most often eat before a run - bananas, wheat, and coffee. (Let's not talk about what a travesty it would be to find out I was allergic to coffee.)  He doesn't really suspect any of these are truly the culprit, but better to rule it out than to keep wondering.

And there were also some fancy acronyms and mast-cell disorders that he ran tests for - basically to see if the mast cells in my body (the things that actually trigger all the crazy stuff that happens when you have an allergic reaction) are somehow defective. Again, he doesn't think this is the case, but at least we'll have a definitive answer on that within a week or so.

So, the news is that there really is no news. I'll continue to do all the things I've been doing to keep myself as safe as possible when running, I'll keep taking Allegra before I run (he said I could even start taking it every day - it might not make a difference, but it wouldn't hurt, either), and I'll keep my fingers crossed that I'm one of the lucky ones for whom this all just magically disappears one day.

And on a much more fun note - it was kind of cool to be driving through Brookline and Wellesley and Newton, not far from where I'll be running in just 11 short weeks!

Appointments and Birthdays and Winter Training

Still trying to wrap my head around the fact that my baby turned three yesterday!  I am 100% certain that I am done having babies, so I'm honestly not all that melancholy about missing the baby days - it's more just disbelief that three years have gone by so quickly.

He looks like such a big boy in this picture!

He's really coming into his own, now that he's a full-fledged toddler/soon-to-be preschooler. He enjoys bossing everyone around, and we spend much of our day reminding him to say "please" and "thank you." He also, for some reason, calls the news "Monday." We don't watch the news very often with the kids around, but do sometimes turn it on to catch the weather forecast, and whenever we do, he yells "Hey, it's Monday!"

As a regular at the gym daycare, he walks around like he owns the place, and lately when I come to pick him up, he points to the door and tells me to "go walk over that way" - his way of saying he's not ready for me to be there yet. It'll be interesting to see what that translates to when it comes to dropping him off at preschool in the fall.

Scott brought him to the gym last weekend, and when he arrived to pick Carmine up, the staff told him that Carmine had been walking around saying he had "voices in his ears." Cue the 'Twilight Zone' music.....  or 'The Sixth Sense' music - either way, although I know it was just him babbling nonsense phrases, I have to say it creeped me out a little!

Like any kid, he's got his little quirks and idiosyncracies (hopefully hearing voices in his head is not one of them!), and some of them are a little OCD-ish. When we get in the car, I put his cup in the cupholder, and the other day he completely freaked out because he wanted it turned around so that the spout was facing a certain way. And if he's putting a book or toy away, he'll often place it down somewhere, start to walk away, then run back and reposition it ever so slightly, and say "there, that's better!"

And like his big brothers, he's loud and crazy and all about roughhousing. The three of them spend a good majority of their time in a pile on the floor, pushing and pulling climbing all over one another and laughing hysterically. It almost always ends with someone getting hurt, but it's fun while it lasts.

With his birthday following right on the heels of Dante's, we're all a little partied and cake-d out over here. Well, the boys probably aren't, but I am! 

Carmine loved Dante's cake - at his very young age, he already knows all the 'Diary of a Wimpy Kid' characters, and when he saw the cake I made for Dante's party, he yelled "Zooweee MAMA!"  He was pretty excited for his Perry the Platypus cake, too. As much as I love making (and eating) fun cakes, I'm thankful we have a little break before Gabe's birthday at the end of March.

I had been hoping that we'd enjoy another unusually warm (and snow-free) winter this year, but so far it hasn't panned out that way. It hasn't been awful, but it has seemed colder and snowier than last winter, and this week has been particularly tough - lows in the single digits, and wind chills making it feel even colder.

The cold typically doesn't force me inside on the treadmill - I'm willing to bundle up and get out there, especially for a long run that would be especially torturous on the treadmill. But snow and ice are definitely a deterrent for running outdoors, which is why I was at the gym for my track workout the other day.

Speedwork is actually one of the things I don't mind doing on the treadmill. The intervals break up the workout nicely, and you don't have to worry about maintaining the correct pace - you press the buttons and you're forced to keep up! 

The schedule this week called for mile repeats, and I crushed it - 6:44, 6:39, and 6:37. And I would not go so far as to say they felt easy, but the pace for all of them - including the last one - felt almost comfortable. THAT was a confidence-boosting workout for sure!

This week has also been an appointment-filled one for me.  Today was my orthopedist appointment, which I was anticipating to be kind of just a formality - I had a good idea of what was going on with my hamstring/glute/piriformis, and felt pretty certain that the prescription would be PT.

And I was right. The doctor did note that, without an MRI, it's tough to pinpoint precisely what's going on, but her diagnosis was either gluteus medius tendinopathy, or some type of piriformis strain - doesn't really make much of a difference, since they're both literally a pain in the butt, and the remedy for both is almost the same - deep tissue massage, stretching, icing, ibuprofen, and any other exercises my physical therapist recommends.

Given how much better it's felt just since I started doing my own regimen of foam rolling and tennis ball rolling and stretching at home, I'm confident that with the addition of PT, I can get through this training cycle and still go after my PR in Boston - and that makes me a very happy runner : )

Friday is my trip to Boston for a second opinion on my exercise-induced anaphylaxis. Those of you who read this blog regularly might have noticed that I haven't mentioned any kind of allergic reaction in a while, and that's because I haven't had one since November 23rd. I haven't wanted to talk about it with anyone, because I'm afraid I'll jinx myself.

It definitely has me wondering if the colder weather has something to do with me not having had a reaction in two months. And I'm also wondering (and hoping) that maybe the condition has just mysteriously ended, as suddenly as it began?

I've heard of that happening to people, and I've always hoped it would happen to me at some point. But the thing is, I'll never really have any way of knowing if it's truly just 'gone,' or if I'm just enjoying a long respite from any type of reaction, so I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable running without my safeguards (epi-pen and phone) again.

As I've said before, though, it's a very small burden to bear, so I need to remember to count my blessings and be thankful that I'm able to get out there and do what I love to do.

Just over 11 weeks to go......

In Which I'm Reminded of How Uncomfortable Hospital Beds Are

I've been dealing with this somewhat mysterious exericse-induced anaphylaxis diagnosis since June, and its had its ups and downs, and certainly is something I'd rather not be afflicted with, but mostly it's been something I've felt was manageable. The last time I had an outbreak of hives, I got a little down, but did my best to move forward and not dwell on it.

When I went weeks without an incident, I could almost forget that it was even an issue.

But yesterday morning was a very vivid reminder that it is still very much an issue. As I neared the final mile and a half of my run, I felt a very faint itching sensation on my hands. It wasn't quite the same as it usually feels when these reactions happen, though, and at first I wondered if it really was an allergic reaction, or just something that had irritated my skin.

I ran a short while longer, but even though I was still feeling ok, and not all that itchy, I still decided to be safe and stop and take a Benadryl. I hate to take it, since it leaves me feeling sleepy and out of it for the rest of the day, but I was trying to do the smart thing.

I was in this exact scenario two times earlier this year, and did the same thing I did this time - took the Benadryl, and walked the remainder of my route - and both times, as soon as I stopped walking, the hives came out in full force, but after about 15 or 20 minutes, they'd start to subside, and I wouldn't experience any other symptoms.

So I figured that's what would happen this time, too, and I decided to walk the final mile or so. Yes, I could have called Scott, and in retrospect, I should have. But I foolishly didn't want to inconvenience him.

He was home with the kids, and I know what a pain it is to have to corral them all into the car - and it was early in the morning, and they were in the midst of getting ready for school, and since I felt like this was going to end like all the other incidents (me covered in hives, but otherwise ok), I didn't want to mess up the morning routine by making them all come out and rescue me.

I was even worried about how much longer it was going to take me to get home now that I was walking, and feeling bad that I had been out for such a long time, and was figuring out what I could easily put together for the boys' lunches. I still thought this was all going to be over quickly.

Unfortunately, that was not the case. As I kept walking, I felt worse and worse. My stomach was bothering me, I was having trouble catching my breath, and I was feeling lightheaded. At this point, I almost started crying. I didn't want to be going through this. I was so mad, and frustrated, and didn't know quite what to do.

Once I got home, I laid down, hoping that the Benadryl would kick in and I'd feel better, and to some extent, I did - my breathing was fine at this point, and I didn't feel lightheaded anymore, and strangely, there were no hives. And because I was starting to feel better, I held off on using my epi-pen. In retrospect, a foolish decision, but I had never used it before, and it's pretty serious medication, and it's kind of scary to put something like that into your body. 

But although the other symptoms had disappeared, I now found myself laying in bed shivering uncontrollably, even though I was covered in several blankets, and I knew the epi-pen was the only way to fix it.

Unfortunately, even after using it, I still felt kind of lousy. I still had the chills, and felt kind of queasy. I didn't know if it was the effects of the epi-pen I was feeling, or if for some reason it wasn't working, but both Scott and I were sufficiently freaked out and knew it was time to head to the ER.

Within 20 minutes of being there, I was feeling fine, and as it turns out, I was mostly feeling the effects of the medication at that point. But even though it meant spending two hours sitting in a hospital bed hooked up to monitors, I'm glad I went.

I spent the rest of the afternoon doing a whole lot of nothing. Between the Benadryl and the fact that the entire episode just completely drained me, I was pretty spent. Not to mention depressed.

I thought I had learned how to live with this, and how to sort of manage it, and it didn't seem like anything terribly scary or threatening.

Now, I'm terrified. I'm scared to run. I'm scared that this is going to happen again. I'm scared that next time Scott won't be around and I'll have to be carted off in an ambulance. I'm scared that I'll be sitting in the ER while someone else picks my kids up from school, and that they'll be terrified about me being sick. I'm scared that it could be even worse next time.

But at the same time as I think of all those things, I also think about how I simply can not stop running. It's who I am, it's what I do, and for every time this happens, there's 30 times that it doesn't.

I'm really struggling, though. Struggling with the fact that something that makes me feel so healthy, and so strong, and at times nearly invincible, also now has the potential to make me feel the exact opposite. And something that I can always count on to relieve stress is now the source of a great deal of stress.

Because of that, I'm no longer satisifed with this being a mystery. I need to do some more digging, and hopefully uncover some more answers - and I'm pretty certain that's going to mean traveling to Boston or elsewhere to see a different doctor. My local allergist just doesn't have experience with this condition, and I need someone who does.

I'm already in the process of collecting names and numbers, and hopefully will have an appointment set up somewhere by the end of the week.

Honestly, I don't know if a second opinion is even going to provide more definitive answers, since everything I've read about this suggests that it isn't very well understood by anyone - but I feel like I've got to at least try.

And in the meantime, I can't brush this off anymore. I can't worry about inconveniencing anyone if I need to be picked up in the middle of a run. I can't worry about the effects of the epi-pen. I'm not very good at asking for help, but I need to get over that, because it was made abundantly clear to me yesterday that this is not something I can fool around with.

This all may sound kind of dramatic and over the top - and when I go out and run and race and everything's fine, it's easy to think that I'm being overly dramatic. But the potential is out there for me to go into anaphylactic shock, and, well, that's pretty damn dramatic.

So, I'm on the hunt for answers, and I'm attempting to come to terms with all of this.

And I'm going for a run tomorrow, and hoping it's an uneventful one.

Triple Crown Finale, Anaphylaxis Update, and More Boston Blathering

When I signed up for the Triple Crown series last spring, I decided that the Newport half-marathon was going to be my big race for the year. I was going to spend my summer and early fall working toward what I thought, at the time, was a blazing fast sub-1:40.

And then several weeks ahead of schedule, I went and ran a 1:38; which of course I was thrilled with, but which definitely left me wondering what I should now be aiming for in Newport. 

In the end, I decided not to really aim for anything. That was my 'plan' going into Jamestown, and going into Zooma, and it panned out very, very well, so I see no reason to change it.

That's not to say that I'm not racing, though. I still see this as my biggest effort of the year, and I want to make sure that when I cross that finish line, I have emptied the tank completely. As always, it will be interesting to see what that equates to on the race clock.

I'm excited to get out and race again, too. I have had so much fun racing all these half-marathons this year, and each one has been a slightly different experience, and each one has taught me something new.

In New Bedford, I learned how much it sucks when you pick up the pace too much too soon; in Providence, I learned how awesome it is to pace someone. In Jamestown, I learned that I am much better at pacing myself than I thought I was. In Cape Cod, I learned that I can run 13.1 miles at a 7:29 pace! Can't wait to see what I learn this weekend in Newport : )

Hopefully I won't be learning anything new about my mysterious anaphylaxis episodes. I returned to the allergist and described the Labor Day reaction to him, and in addition to making it clear to me that the 'sense of impending doom' that I felt that night is not just a feeling - it really is impending doom, and that's my signal to use the epi-pen.

He also diagnosed me with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis, which is just a fancy way of saying that my body is freaking out on totally random occasions for no apparent reason.

It's a very unsatisfying diagnosis, but I basically agree with it - I don't really feel that there is a trigger, aside from (sometimes) running. I've been keeping a very detailed food journal, and after I had another post-run outbreak of hives yesterday (no impending doom this time - just itchiness), I looked back at my journal and saw nothing at all out of the ordinary.

I'm frustrated, and mystified, and annoyed, but also not really sure what else I can do at this point, besides bring my epi-pen everywhere I go and hope for the best. 

And I'm doing my best to try not to dwell on it too much. The days that I have a reaction are kind of crappy. It puts me in a funk, which is then exacerbated by the fact that I also get completely loopy from the Benadryl that I have to take to get the hives under control.

But after a good night's sleep, I attempt to just put the whole thing behind me as best I can. People live with far worse issues than this, and I have to remember that and keep it all in perspective, and keep moving forward. 

And on the theme of moving forward - every day that goes by, I get more excited to start training for Boston. Seeing all the Facebook posts from friends who just ran or are about to run their fall marathons, and seeing all the updates about the Hartford marathon, and remembering all the excitement and anticipation I was feeling at this time last year......  I'm experiencing a little bit of marathon envy, which I think is a good thing - it means I've had enough of a break. I definitely feel ready to tackle a tough training plan again, and to get a little more serious and purposeful with my runs. 

That enthusiasm will undoubtedly fade after about 10 weeks or so, but then it will return tenfold as April 15 draws closer. I fully intend to race Boston, but I also fully intend to enjoy and savor every second of it. I feel pretty confident that I could requalify to run it again in 2014, but if I have the choice, I'd much rather come back and run Gansett again.

Maybe I'll run Boston another time, too, but in case I don't, I plan to soak up the experience completely - starting with the 16 weeks of training. Eight weeks and counting..... !!!!!

The Year of the Half

After my bizarre, out-of-the-blue allergic reaction Saturday night, I was really hoping to have a great run Sunday morning - one of the ones where I felt healthy and fit and strong the whole time. I needed that validation.

Luckily, I got it. I planned to run 10 miles, but was feeling so great that I ended up running just over 12. And I ran an 8:09 pace. And I felt fabulous the entire time. Good stuff.

Since I raced last week, and am racing again this weekend, it'll be a while before I do track work again, and I feel like I actually kind of miss it. I think I do miss the challenge a wee bit, but more than that, I miss my track partner. Now that school's back in session, and soccer has started, it's becoming more difficult for me to get out to group runs, and I'm missing the company.

Hopefully when I'm back in marathon training mode this winter, it'll be a little easier to meet up with people at least for my weekend long runs. I've done plenty of 20-milers solo, but I'd rather not do it too often, if I can help it.

Last year at this time, I was a bundle of nerves, counting down to Hartford, and wondering if I was going to be able to pull of my BQ time. And this year, I'm a bundle of nerves again - I've got my qualifying time, but since I'll be the last group to have an opportunity to register, it remains to be seen whether or not I'll actually get in before the race fills up.

I'm also a bundle of nerves thanks to the next race on my schedule - the Shoreline Biathlon in Westerly. Back to the race that started it all, 10 years ago - the first time I ever pinned a race bib to my shirt.

I fully anticipate a PR, and I think I even have a shot at an age-group award, so I'm excited to get out there and see what I can do. A little nervous, too, but it's more excited pre-race jitters than anything. I'll never get tired of those : )

I'll be feeling plenty of them come October - the race I've been working up to all summer - 13.1 in Newport, the final leg of the Triple Crown, and what will be my 5th half-marathon for the year.

I have one more half before that - Zooma Cape Cod - but I'm not planning on going all out at that one. The main reason I'm doing it is so I can have a weekend getaway on the Cape with a friend, and get to meet Sarah Bown Shea and Dimity McDowell, the authors of Run Like a Mother, as well as meeting up with some of the fabulous women from the Run Like a Mother Facebook community they've created.  The race is just the icing on the cake : )  I'm not going to run it at an easy pace, but I am going to save the real race pace for Newport.

Since Newport was my first full marathon, 4 years ago, this race is even more special to me.

Not only do I get to go back and run almost the same 13.1 miles that I ran in 2008 (the first half of the course is a little different now than it was then, but does cover much of the same territory), but I get to do it as a now three-time marathoner, a Boston qualifier, and a Gansett finisher. I've come a long way in those 4 years, and I think I'm going to reflect on that as I run in Newport again. 

And I'm also going to reflect on how happy I'll feel when I turn off to the finish chute at the 13.1 mile mark, instead of having to run twice that distance!!!  I'm excited to run 26.2 again next year, but happy to not be running it next month!

Identity Crisis

Last week I had an appointment with my allergist - just to check in and see how things had been going, and if I had experienced any more episodes of exercise-induced anaphylaxis.

We talked about the last two times it's happened - both times, as soon as I started to feel my palms get itchy, I stopped running, and shortly afterward, broke out in hives. One dose of Benadryl helped calm down the hives, and although I had to spend the rest of the day in a Benadryl-induced stupor, for the most part, it wasn't anything more than a nuisance.

So the consensus was that, although this probably will still happen on occasion, it was something that was manageable, and as long as I'm smart and carry my epi-pen and phone, and stop running when I feel the symptoms coming on, it shouldn't turn into anything more serious.

We never discussed what to do if the symptoms came on under any non-running circumstance, because I never considered that to be a possibility. But you just never know what life's going to throw your way.

We got home late last night from a fabulous family picnic in CT, and I was looking forward to a good night's sleep. But as I was laying in bed reading, my stomach felt really unsettled. Seeing as how I ate twice as much as I normally would at dinner, I wasn't surprised, and got up to go downstairs and get some ginger ale. 

I noticed, though, that I also felt kind of 'off.' I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something just didn't feel right.

And as I walked downstairs, my hands started to feel itchy. At first I thought it was a coincedence. I couldn't possibly be having an allergic reaction just out of the blue. Could I?

But by the time I got downstairs, I knew that's exactly what was happening. And in addition to the itchiness, I felt like my lips were swollen. And my entire head felt tingly and odd.

It felt way too similar to how I felt the first time this ever happened, when I was walking home from the track, short of breath and lightheaded and seriously concerned about passing out on the side of the road.

That's when I freaked out and called Scott to come downstairs and sit with me. This is the only time I've thought that I might have to use my epi-pen, and I didn't really want to be alone.

I had taken a Benadryl, but the hives were spreading, and I was still feeling really weird. I didn't get the lightheadedness and shortness of breath, but I just felt very very strange. I was still hesitant to use the epi-pen, though. If I had experienced any shortness of breath, I would have gotten it out right away, but after a few minutes of laying quietly, I started to feel better. The hives were still itching like crazy, but the rest of the strange sensations were subsiding. 

And about half an hour after it all started, I was pretty much back to normal, and woke up this morning feeling fine. Well - physically, I feel fine. Emotionally, not so much.

I'm now more mystified than ever. Exercise-induced anaphylaxis, I can work with. I can manage it, I can handle it, I can live with it. Competely random, out of the blue, for no apparent reason anaphylaxis - that is not at all ok.

Obviously there's got to be some explanation for it - some food, some lotion, some environmental issue, or some combination of issues - but how the HELL do we figure out what that cause is????  I suppose that's the allergist's job, right? 

I'll be calling for an appointment first thing Tuesday morning, and I suspect I'm about to embark on what could prove to be a long journey to try to get to the bottom of this.

In the meantime, I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm now feeling decidedly uncomfortable in my own skin. I hate feeling like my body is rebelling against me, having these seemingly random freakouts that are at best, a minor inconvenience, and at worst, downright scary.

It's very hard to reconcile that with the fact that I am a relatively young and healthy person, who works so hard to stay in good shape so that I can go out and run and bike and swim and race and be active with my kids. It just doesn't add up. And it makes me so uncomfortable to know that there's this bizarre thing going on that, as of right now, is entirely out of my control.

I have a 10-mile run planned for early tomorrow morning. I'm going to be sure to take an Allegra before I go, and will carry all my supplies with me while I run. But I really, really hope that the run is incident-free. I need to see that healthy, strong side of my body for a while, to reassure myself that it's still there.

The Diagnosis

Two non-itchy runs this week, but I still paid a visit to the allergist this afternoon, and the verdict is what I suspected - exercise-induced anaphylaxis.

There was no one food that I consumed prior to each time this happened, so it doesn't seem like it's food-dependent, which is actually somewhat disappointing. If I knew that I just had to not eat a certain food before running, it would be a lot simpler.

Instead, the best course of action is for me to take Allegra before every run, run with others as often as possible, and always, always carry my epi-pen and my phone.

I know that, in the grand scheme of things, this isn't that big a deal. I'm still healthy, I'm still able to run, and this is something that's manageable and may not even happen all that often.

But it still kind of sucks.

What bugs me most is the unpredictability of it all. I set out for a 7-mile tempo run this morning, and it was going great, but nearly the whole time, I kept wondering if that tingly itchy feeling was going to start.

And when/if it does happen again, is it going to be just the hives, or is it going to turn into a full-blown anaphylactic reaction like the first time?  The hives are a nuisance, and not something I want to deal with on anything close to a regular basis, but the other symptoms were seriously scary, and I don't really care to experience that ever again.

He did say that the fact that I didn't know what was going on the first time, and likely just brushed off the initial itchiness and continued my workout, might be why it got so much more severe. Then again, it might not. The most frustrating thing about this is that there don't seem to be many absolutes, and that randomness is very unsettling.

I'm going to continue reading as much as I can about it, and although I trust my allergist and feel confident with his diagnosis, I might even go see someone else, just so that I can be sure I'm gathering as much information as I possibly can.

I am also going to start including many more details in my running log, just so that I have plenty of data to analyze if this happens again.

Aside from that, there isn't much I can do. I'll take the Allegra, I'll carry my phone and epi-pen, I'll run with friends whenever possible, and I'll keep my fingers crossed that my body cooperates.

And although I'm not crazy about feeling kind of on edge every time I head out, it's probably a good thing, in that it's forcing me to really be hyperaware of how I'm feeling, so that I can hopefully head off any really serious reactions like the first one.

I'm still very focused on my paces and distances and race goals, and love running all the numbers, but from here on in, every run that doesn't end with me covered in itchy red welts is going to count as one of the good ones.

Matty Siravo 5K - The Good, The Bad, and The Itchy

The Good -

Gabe and Dante had a fabulous time doing their "dash."  Dante was first place in his group, and Gabe was second place in his. I always stress to them that it's just about having fun, but I can't help but be proud to see my boys out in front like that : )

Until the final 200 yards, I had a great race. Ran mile 1 in 6:56, and it actually didn't feel like quite as much of an effort as that pace usually feels in a 5K.

Ran mile 2 in 6:54, and was still feeling ok, but definitely glad that there was only a mile to go.

Fell off pace a bit for mile 3, and ended up finishing it in 7:01. I still managed to move up a bit, though, passing two women who had been ahead of me for the first two miles, and putting myself in position as 6th female (yes, I was counting - this race has two turnaround points, so it's easy to keep track of how many women are ahead of you).

And that leads us to The Bad and The Itchy - 

As I approached the last turn, leading into the final stretch, the palms of my hands started to feel itchy. I recognized the feeling immediately, and almost said "oh crap, not again!" out loud. I might not have actually said it out loud, but I was definitely thinking it.

I knew running for another 200 yards wasn't going to make one bit of difference, though, so I finished my race the way I would have finished it even if I hadn't had that sense of impending doom.

I even mustered a smile for Scott, who was on the side of the road with the boys and his camera. I'm glad I was able to smile, because he got some really nice shots : )

There was a woman who was just ahead of me for the final 1/2 mile, and I thought I'd try to catch her as we headed into the home stretch, but I couldn't quite do it. I tried, though - running the last .1 at a 6:28 pace.

I crossed the finish line in 21:40 - just 2 minutes shy of my 5K PR. I had kind of hoped I could take a few seconds off that PR, so I was a tiny bit disappointed, but I was also too preoccupied with the itchiness to really be overly concerned about my time.

I met back up with Scott and the boys and tried to assess how I was feeling. Thankfully, I wasn't having any of the lightheadedness or shortness of breath that I experienced when this happened a few weeks ago. And my lips weren't swollen, either, which I thought was a good sign.

But the tingly, itchy feeling was spreading. I had wanted to hang around for the awards, since I was pretty sure I had come in 1st or 2nd in my age group, but with the way I was feeling, that didn't seem like a good idea, so we headed home.

By the time we got home, I was covered in hives and itching like crazy. But still no other symptoms. Since it was just the itching, I decided to take a Benadryl (epi-pen didn't seem necessary under those circumstances), and within 15 minutes, it was subsiding, and half an hour later, I felt fine. 

Way to put a damper on a great race, though.

And this morning, I had planned on a bike ride, but woke up really wanting to run. So I got out bright and early for 10 miles by the beach.

I took it nice and easy, since I had just raced yesterday, and was having such a lovely run. It was feeling effortless and fun and so peaceful.

Then, right around mile 8, it started AGAIN - that nagging tingly, itchy feeling in the palms of my hands. I almost couldn't believe it, and tried to convince myself that I was just imagining things.

But it didn't go away.

I knew I still had 2 more miles before I got back to my car, but I also had my phone and my epi-pen, so I didn't get too freaked out. I slowed my pace a little more and hoped I could make it back to the car without having some kind of emergency situation on the side of the road.

As it turned out, I ran the final 2 miles fine, and the only thing that bothered me that whole time were my hands.

Then I stopped running, and got in my car and drove home, and the itching got worse and worse, and by the time I got home, I was once again covered in hives.

Sigh.

After going two full weeks without anything like this happening, and feeling like maybe it was just a freak occurrence, it's now happened two times in a row - and both times under very different circumstances - yesterday a very humid morning, and a race effort; today a comfortable, dry morning, and a much slower-paced long run.

I don't know what the heck is going on, but I do know that I'm not happy about it. I don't like when my body doesn't cooperate. And this is something that, at least for now, is totally out of my control, and that doesn't sit well with me.

Allergist appointment Thursday. Hopefully they will be able to shed some light on the situation. Mysterious, unpredictable ailments are not my cup of tea.

So as to end on a good note, though, I'll add that when I checked the online results from the race, I learned that I had in fact won first place in my age group - yay! This is the third time I've won an age-group award at this race, and my second time winning 1st place.

And the woman I was trying so hard to catch in that final few hundred yards - she was in the 14 - 19-year-old age group, and finished the race just one second ahead of me.

I may not have been able to catch up to and pass her, but I think if I (an almost-41-year-old mom of three) can keep up with a teenager, I'm doing just fine : )