Not The Post I Had Planned On Writing

All you other bloggers out there will understand that sometimes when I'm running, or just going about my daily life, I am composing blog posts in my head.

And I had one all planned out for today. It was a good one - a great one, actually - where I was going to finally announce publicly that I was pregnant with our third child.

Unfortunately, that's something I can no longer write. We had an ultrasound yesterday morning, and although I'm supposed to be 8 weeks along, the baby only measured 6 weeks, and the heartbeat was barely detectable.

I knew as soon as I saw the screen that something was wrong. I've had two babies, and I know what those early ultrasounds are supposed to look like - the heartbeat should show up clear and strong, and beating furiously, and this clearly wasn't. And when the ultrasound tech finished the scan, and I asked her how everything looked, and she told me that the baby was measuring 6 weeks, I knew.

They did bloodwork to test my hormone levels, and will draw more blood tomorrow, and if the levels are decreasing, it will confirm that the pregnancy is not going to continue, and I'll have a decision to make about how to proceed from there.

I'm obviously devastated, but right now, honestly, I'm also just kind of numb - and probably somewhat in denial, because we won't know anything for certain until tomorrow.

Being in limbo is hard, but I'm also dreading that phone call with the doctor tomorrow afternoon when I'll find out the results.

Scott took yesterday afternoon off, and we spent some nice time with the boys, and got them out to the park. Seeing the two of them running around giggling definitely lifted my spirits a bit.

And I am so thankful that I have so much support from my family and friends, and this amazing group of moms who I've connected with through the Moms club, as well as my yahoo moms group. The messages and thoughtful words I've received from all of them have made such a difference.

So for now we wait. And the boys, thankfully, do a fantastic job of keeping me busy and distracting me while we're waiting. Not to mention that their smiles, hugs, and kisses brighten my day like nothing else.

And this morning I laced up my shoes and blasted my iPod and lost myself on the road. I ran, and I shed a few tears, and I ran some more.

When the song "Move Along" came on, it hit me in a way it never has before.

Not everyone will be able to relate to this, but when something is wrong in my life, I want to run. Partially to escape, and to run away from the problem for a little while, and partially to just clear my head so I can try to process it.

And also because running gives me hope and confidence and optimism - something I could really use right now.

So these lyrics, like I said, really hit home -

...when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do

And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

When everything is wrong we move along

Comments

[J-mom]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am so glad that you have running for an outlet and friends and family to support you. Let me know if I can do anything. (((HUGS)))

[Wes]

Awwww... Honey, I'm so sorry. Dee Dee and I have been there. These things happen for a reason. I will never know what could have been, but what I do know is that I have a beautiful 12 year old boy that would NOT have been if our paths had been different.

Please let me know if I can help you and Scott with anything...

[Lisa]

I am so, so sorry. I, too, have been there (suffered a miscarraige two years after Riley was born, at 7 weeks), and I know how difficult it is. I hope you get some answers soon. I will be thinking about you.

Lisa