It Takes A Village (and Sometimes A Therapist, Too)

Summer is over, we're settling into our school routine, and I'm buckling down in all aspects of life. I enjoy the lack of routine in the summer, and being a little more carefree about things (things like, um, not cleaning the house for 3 weeks because we're too busy beaching and day-tripping).

But there's definitely a part of me that welcomes a return to regular schedules and knowing exactly what each day is going to bring. And as we get back to that schedule, and we deal with this transitional time, it's become abundantly clear to me that all summer, we were just muddling through with Gabe, and now that we need to expect a little more of him (homework, getting up and getting ready for school, doing more regular chores), things aren't going particularly well.

I'm in no way blaming him. He has ADHD, and he struggles. He struggles greatly sometimes. And he's aware of the fact that he's struggling, and there are a lot of times where he'll even comment on how his brain is making him crazy, or how he hates that he can't remember what he's supposed to be doing or how he's supposed to be acting.

I'm not excusing bad behavior in any way, and there are things he does that are just him being a pain in the butt, like any kid is from time to time. 

More often than not, though, it's truly not his fault. His brain works differently, and there's no getting around that.

But no matter how much you remind yourself that it's not him intentionally trying to cause trouble, when things are getting hairy and chaotic and three very loud, increasingly excited boys are all losing it at the same time, it's all too easy to react without thinking rationally - which never ends well, since my overreactions lead to their overreactions, leading to the entire situation spiraling into ugliness.

I'm just not happy at all with the relationship Gabe and I have right now. I feel like all the time I spend with him is spent nagging or correcting behavior or yelling. It's frustrating, it's exhausting, and there are days I'm just so emotionally spent, I have nothing left for anyone else in the family - which isn't fair to Gabe, or to Carmine or Dante or Scott.

And often, I end up just feeling sad. Sad that I spend so much time disciplining him and correcting him, rather than enjoying his company.

So we had an appointment earlier this week with a therapist to hopefully get some help in how we deal with him and his behavior. We saw someone last spring for a couple months, but I didn't feel like she did very much to help, and we just stopped going, instead of finding someone new to see. When things are going well, it's easy to think that we don't need anyone's help, and we'll be fine on our own. But right now, things aren't going well, so it's time to call in reinforcements.

Hopefully we can get back on a good path, because I know as the teenage years approach, things are only going to get more complicated, and I want to head into that stage of his life with us on as even a keel as possible.

And I want to remove as much of the negativity as I can, because he is an awesome little kid, and he has so many great qualities - it's just that when you're 'in the trenches' and dealing with the everyday nuisances and chaos and just trying to survive the day, it's very easy to get bogged down in the details and lose sight of the bigger picture.

But I'm confident that with some assistance, we'll get that appreciation back, and we'll restore a little bit of harmony to this house.

Note that I said 'a little bit.'  I'm optimistic, but I'm not stupid - a house with three little boys is never going to be totally harmonious - but I'll take any progress we can get!

Comments

[Wes]

Don't be too hard on yourself. The people that love you understand... and get "it".

[Beth]

I second Wes, don't be so hard on your self. What I see is a mother who has identified a challenge with her son, her son even knows he has a challenge (I'm using challenge because I just don't know the right word TO use, please don't take offence)and you are doing something about it. Sure sure you did something then stopped when things went well, who doesn't? When something works it feels like it has fixed the challenge/issue and you think it will be smooth sailing from here out. You've recognized that you need help, that your relationship with your son, and perhaps the family dynamic is suffering. You are seeking assistance. This is a good thing. Kudos to you Michelle, super mom!

[Nicole]

So sorry you are struggling but I think you made the right decision. I hope this doc will be more of a help you, Gabe and the whole family. You will get through this and Gabe will be fine. Hang in there!

[Laura @ Mommy Run Fast]

Such a challenge, Michelle... it definitely takes a village. I'm glad you found a new therapist and really hope it's helpful! Also- this may or may not be of interest to you, but there have been some diet tweaks that have helped- some children are especially sensitive to gluten or dairy and it might be worth a try to cut one or both out... but of course, it's not a guaranteed fix and is a HUGE challenge to adapt kids to that style of eating.

[michellesa]

Thanks, everyone. It's been challenging, but I feel good that we're taking steps to make the situation better : )