Gabe's 10th birthday is coming up next month, and since he's on the verge of double digits and all the incredibly complex and personal issues that are going to ensue as a result of that, he's not a topic of discussion here all that often anymore.
But I have written in the past about our struggles with his ADHD, and various ways we've tried to help him and help ourselves as we navigate the challenges that it throws our way on a daily basis.
And every time I write about it, I mention that we've thought about medication and considered medication, and weren't ruling it out entirely, but that we were still not comfortable going that route.
Until now.
And I know that there are probably people out there who will read this and will shake their heads in disappointment, and who will think we're making a huge mistake. And I might have done the same thing if I was in their shoes 3, or 4, or 5 months ago.
But I can't be concerned with what other people think. I need to focus on what's right for my child, and my family, and at this point, I feel like this is what's right.
I've talked to our counselor, I've talked to his pediatrician, I've talked to other parents whose kids take medication, and I've read endless articles about it.
I can't say that we've exhausted every single non-pharmaceutical option avaialble to us, but we've certainly tried other methods, and some have worked to varying degrees, but we still struggle. And more importantly - Gabe still struggles.
And as he gets ready to make an enormous transition - to middle school - next year, I am scared for him. I'm scared about how he's going to adapt to a much, much larger school, with a lot of kids who he doesn't know, and with more (and more difficult) work to do, as well.
He's my baby, and he'll always be my baby, and I worry about him. I want him to do well, and I want him to make friends, and I want him to enjoy school and not feel frustrated and anxious and worried and alienated.
Making this decision is, as I pointed out in the title, one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I actually think I decided a few weeks ago, but couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. I feel like it's an admission of failure on my part as a parent - like I can't help my kid, so I need to medicate him.
But I'm trying not to think of it that way, and instead think of it as what it really is - us trying to help him be the best Gabe he can be.
We don't know how this will work, or if it will work, or if he won't like the way he feels on the medication - and we're obviously considering it a trial. But if there are no bad side effects, and he feels good taking it, and he feels like it's helping him - then we'll likely stick with it for the foreseeable future.
I try not to judge anyone for their decisions, and I ask people to not judge me for mine. If you have never raised a child with ADHD, and never seen them struggle with work that they are clearly intelligent enough to complete, but just can't focus well enough to do so; if you've never seen your child yell in frustration that "I just can't get my brain to stop!" - then you can't say what you would do in my shoes.
These aren't shoes I ever wanted to wear, and I'm still not entirely sure how this is all going to play out, but we're doing the best we can, and what we feel is right for our family, and when it comes down to it, that has to be enough.
I can't and won'tn ever know what you are going through. I will share that a cousin has a son (just turned 10) with Autism, and she struggles daily. She does what is best for her son and what others opinions or experiences are, those belong to them and her and her husbands decisions with Z are their own. No one knows the answers and you are doing what you and your husband believe to be the best for Gabe and your family. Kudos to you!
Posted by: beth | February 11, 2014 at 09:42 PM
I know exactly how you feel. Went through this with my oldest daughter. Toughest decision I ever made was to medicate. But it was the right decision. I am thankful for my knowledgeable friends, pediatrician and teachers who stood (and still stand) by me. You are not alone!
Posted by: Mother of 3 | February 11, 2014 at 09:49 PM
I know from experience how hard this decision is--hopefully, the medication will really be a help for him. It was a huge help for Mike, and it wasn't forever. This year, after 6 or so years, he decided to stop taking ADHD meds. And it worked! It takes a lot of effort on his part, but he has gained the maturity to be successful in school without them. Also, while he was taking the medication he was really able to focus on internalizing the strategies we, his counselors, and his teachers taught him. He is now able to use these strategies on his own. We will see what college brings--he still needs a bit more checking-up-on than your average high school senior in terms of homework and studying, but we are so proud of all of the progress he has made. You have so much to look forward to with Gabe and all of your boys. Good decision and best of luck--xoxo Anne-Marie
Posted by: Anne-Marie | February 11, 2014 at 10:01 PM
It is such a tough decision, but as the mom of 2 children with ADHD I will tell you that we chose medication for both of them. We went through everything, behavior modification, diet changes, therapy etc...and in the end we were getting no where. It hit home for me when our pediatrician asked if we would treat them for diabetes if they had it, my answer was of course. I have to tell you they are both well adjusted, great students and popular kids at their middle school. Good luck in your process, it can be really frustrating at times, but in the end ADHD kids are really fun and super special.
Posted by: Rene' Whiteley | February 11, 2014 at 10:03 PM
I support you 100% in whatever decisions YOU feel is right for your precious boy <4
Posted by: Jessica f | February 11, 2014 at 10:42 PM
my heart and prayers are with you.
Posted by: Michelle | February 11, 2014 at 10:48 PM
much respect Michelle <3
Posted by: SarahJeanne Olson | February 12, 2014 at 03:54 AM
Michelle you are a great mom and I know how you have struggled with this by reading your blog. It is obvious that you read everything you could and have talked to all the right people and this is the best decision for Gabe and your family. I have one friend who recently put her son on the medication after trying so many other options. It has made a difference in all their lives for the better and I hope you see the same results.
Posted by: Nicole | February 12, 2014 at 08:27 AM
We have gone through the very same struggles with Bowen (as we have talked about before). We made the decision last year to start him on meds. We have seen a remarkable difference when everything else we had tried before did not. It decreases his appetite for lunch, but he makes up for it by eating a big breakfast and dinner. We maintain regular communication with his teacher (who is a great fit for him) as i'm sure you do and frequently have to make at school or at home adjustments, i.e. extra help in certain areas where he has particular focus issues... the 504 plan he's on is still crucial as well to his success! good luck and i know you'll make the right decision!
Posted by: Bethany | February 12, 2014 at 09:12 AM
Medication made it possible for our boys to function in the "norm" of middle school thru high school. EXTREMELY difficult decision, yes, but no regrets. Stay strong, Dad and Mom, you love your child and that does not change by the use of meds. It may, in fact, prove to ther parents that it is OK to make these decisions on the name of LOVE! God bless!
Posted by: Kathy Koester | February 12, 2014 at 10:33 AM