Me and The Boys

The Boys

While most of what I've written lately has been either about me and my running or about Gabe, I haven't forgotten about Dante and Carmine, and have been meaning to jot down some things about them, but it keeps getting pushed to the bottom of my endless to-do list.

Unfortunately, we're pretty sure Dante's been feeling like he's at the bottom of that list lately, too. With all of the Gabe issues we're dealing with - the palate expander, the upcoming 10th birthday, the medication - Dante has been feeling a bit left out, and as a result, has been acting up a little (sometimes a lot).

Thankfully we were wise enough to realize this after not too long - the fact that he was completely and totally flying off the handle and screaming and sobbing at the drop of a hat tipped us off - and we have been pretty deliberately giving him some extra attention. Not so much that Gabe and Carmine feel slighted, but enough to make Dante realize that he's just as awesome as ever, and that we're not ignoring him. And since we've made that effort, his freakouts have all but disappeared.

Being the middle child isn't easy, especially when you're sandwiched between an almost-ten-year-old brother who's going through a lot of big transitions all at once and an impossibly vivacious, outgoing, adorable 4-year-old who refuses to be ignored, and will often yell very loudly "I'm waiting to say something here!"

Dante is growing up in his own right, though. He's obsessed with science shows, and all manner of building/cooking/exploring shows. He and I both watched an Ernest Shackleton show that was on PBS last month, and he could binge watch episodes of "How Did They Do That?" I personally love this, as I'm a fan of all those shows, too, and I'd much rather he watch that than Pokemon.

As of right now, he wants to be an architect when he grows up - partially thanks to another show he likes to binge watch, called "Epic Homes." I think he was especially enamored of the log cabin house. Can't say I blame him - it looked pretty cool.

Going back a bit to when the yard was still covered in snow (a sight I hope I don't see again until next year!), he took to snowboarding like a natural, and spent hours going down the tiny hill in our backyard after school. He and Gabe (who also did really well with it) would throw on their gear and slide down over and over again, and one time I heard Dante say to Gabe "Dude, we're shredding some major powder now!" 

Because of the snowboards, they were particularly interested in the Winter Olympics, and we recorded and watched a lot of the events. Dante at one point mentioned how he wished we had a halfpipe in the backyard. And Gabe, while watching the figure skating, commented to me that "I bet you and Dad couldn't do that."  I didn't take him up on that bet.

February was a long month (and March is proving to be even longer, as spring seems to have forgotten to arrive), but we filled it up with as many fun activities as we could, including a visit from the Theriault cousins, complete with a snowstorm and an outing to see the Lego Movie.

School vacation week was busy, too, with a trip to CT to see Grammy and Grampy and more cousins, and two more trips to CT - one to the Pequot Museum, which we all loved; and one to Mystic Aquarium. So glad that we have so many fun places within close driving distance, and now that we caved and bought a membership to the Aquarium (and already have a membership to the Seaport), I'm sure we'll be spending even more time down that way.

Dante was beyond thrilled that the Titanic exhibit was still up at the Aquarium. He was a major Titanic buff a few years ago, and we went to see the exhibit right after it opened, but I didn't know it was still going to be there, so we all had fun going through and exploring it again.

There were too many snow days this winter, but we managed to survive them, with a mix of sledding, crafts, projects, tortilla snowflakes, and probably more screen time than recommended, but once the nice weather hits, I know the screens are going to be forgotten, so I'm ok with that.

Dante and Carmine are best buds these days, and spend so much time hanging out together. They both have incredible imaginations and love to create elaborate setups in the garage and in the yard - their favorite is to create a "boat," and then have adventures on and around their boat.

This usually involves making an enormous mess and taking out almost every toy they own, which results in me having to stand over them and make sure they put each and every item away, but it's worth it, because it really is the best kind of play, and I love to eavesdrop on them while they're talking - they get along so well, and it makes me so happy.

The three of them play together fairly well, too, but Gabe is definitely in a bit of a different place, and it shows sometimes. He spotted my Athleta catalog on the table one day, and the cover model was wearing a (very modest, athletic) bathing suit, and he turned it over, saying to Dante "We can't look at that - it's too sexy!" 

Gabe has been on his medication for two weeks, but neither we or his teacher have seen very much change in his behavior, so we'll be talking to the pediatrician to see if the dosage needs to be adjusted. The good news is that it isn't affecting him negatively in any way, either, so hopefully that will continue to be the case even if the dosage changes.

Carmine, 6 months after he moved to a big-boy bed, finally started getting up all by himself. It was pretty cute the first few mornings, the way he'd come downstairs and peek around the corner, as if he still wasn't quite sure he should be there. We've all adjusted to it now, but I think Gabe and Dante kind of miss going in his room to get him.

So far there have only been two nights that he got out of bed after we put him in for the night, and when we told him to go back to bed, he listened. Fingers crossed that that continues. 

A couple more Carmine goodies - if we have to talk to him about something he's doing wrong, or are telling him he can't do something, he puts his hand up and says "I don't want to talk right now."  And if I tell him he can't do something, he'll ask Scott - but he'll ask him while I'm still standing right there, and if I try to interrupt to tell him that Daddy is going to say no just like I did, the hand goes up again and I'm told "No, Mommy, don't talk - I'm talking to Daddy right now."  The kid has got some nerve, for sure.

In addition to his habit of yelling out "I'm waiting to say something over here," he has another way of trying to get a word in - he'll tell us (with the hand up - always) that "I'm having an answer."  

And his last few mispronunciations - which I love, and which I'm going to be sad to see go - are bullZoDer and lawnmoMer and Nuseum. He always gets those ones mixed up, but he can pronounce the word excavator clear as day.

Every day is challenging, and every day is exhausting, but every day they make it worth it.

Growing Pains

I’ve taken most of the boys’ big milestones mostly in stride. I get melancholy, and a little sad, when they move past one phase of life and onward to the next. I get a little wistful when I pack away a pair of pants they’ve outgrown or a board book that nobody will be reading again.

But for the most part, I get a tremendous amount of joy seeing them grow up, seeing them start to figure out how who they are, and how they’re going to make their mark on the world. It’s exciting to see their personalities develop and grow, and it’s even more exciting to share new things with them at every stage.

And I didn’t really think Gabe’s upcoming birthday would be any different. Sure, he’s at the biggie – double digits! – but even though I knew it was a big deal, I didn’t anticipate that it would hit me in quite the way it is proving to.

It doesn’t help, of course, that on top of the fact that he’s turning TEN in just a few weeks, he also recently embarked on his orthodontic treatment (beginning with the barbaric appliance known as a palate expander), and also started taking his ADHD medication – oh, and as if that weren’t enough, this is also the time at which we needed to officially submit notice that he won’t be attending his beloved elementary school for 5^th grade, and will instead be moving on to the local middle school.

That’s an awful lot for anyone to take in all at once, right? He happens to be handling it all with the greatest of ease – me, not so much.

He hasn’t been all rainbows and sunshines – don’t get me wrong. There have been some complaints about the palate expander (for which I cannot blame him one bit – I mean, look at the thing – I’d complain if I had to wear that!), and some concerns voiced about middle school, and some sadness over leaving his current school.

But generally, he’s rolling with the punches and maintaining a surprisingly positive, even-keeled attitude about everything. The resilience of youth, I guess?

I, on the other hand, am an emotional mess. I had tears in my eyes as I filled out the withdrawal form for his current school, and after I did the required turns on his palate expander last night, I had to look away so he couldn’t see my eyes tearing up. I feel like I’m the one going through all this upheaval, instead of it all being on his shoulders.

I think if it was just one, or even two, of these things, I’d be ok. But this confluence of transitions and new experiences is throwing me for a loop – partly because it’s hard to see your child having to go through things that you know are uncomfortable, or stressful, or in any way make their life unpleasant for any period of time.

But mostly because it’s all like a big neon sign in my face, reminding me of how damn fast he’s growing up, and how many more of these types of challenges are headed his way, and how each year that goes by, the challenges are just going to get more challenging.

I can remember when Gabe was in kindergarten, and we talked about how we’d have to make this middle school decision ‘someday,’ and someday seemed so impossibly far away.

Time marches on. We’re on the verge of double digits, and things will continue to get more and more complicated.

But these little boys will continue to grow and thrive and learn and challenge us and surprise us. And even though that process is a little tough to take sometimes, in the end, that’s what it’s all about, and it’s pretty amazing to be a part of. 

One of The Hardest Decisions Of My Life

Gabe's 10th birthday is coming up next month, and since he's on the verge of double digits and all the incredibly complex and personal issues that are going to ensue as a result of that, he's not a topic of discussion here all that often anymore.

But I have written in the past about our struggles with his ADHD, and various ways we've tried to help him and help ourselves as we navigate the challenges that it throws our way on a daily basis.

And every time I write about it, I mention that we've thought about medication and considered medication, and weren't ruling it out entirely, but that we were still not comfortable going that route.

Until  now.

And I know that there are probably people out there who will read this and will shake their heads in disappointment, and who will think we're making a huge mistake. And I might have done the same thing if I was in their shoes 3, or 4, or 5 months ago.

But I can't be concerned with what other people think. I need to focus on what's right for my child, and my family, and at this point, I feel like this is what's right.

I've talked to our counselor, I've talked to his pediatrician, I've talked to other parents whose kids take medication, and I've read endless articles about it.

I can't say that we've exhausted every single non-pharmaceutical option avaialble to us, but we've certainly tried other methods, and some have worked to varying degrees, but we still struggle. And more importantly - Gabe still struggles.

And as he gets ready to make an enormous transition - to middle school - next year, I am scared for him. I'm scared about how he's going to adapt to a much, much larger school, with a lot of kids who he doesn't know, and with more (and more difficult) work to do, as well.

He's my baby, and he'll always be my baby, and I worry about him. I want him to do well, and I want him to make friends, and I want him to enjoy school and not feel frustrated and anxious and worried and alienated.

Making this decision is, as I pointed out in the title, one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I actually think I decided a few weeks ago, but couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. I feel like it's an admission of failure on my part as a parent - like I can't help my kid, so I need to medicate him.

But I'm trying not to think of it that way, and instead think of it as what it really is - us trying to help him be the best Gabe he can be.

We don't know how this will work, or if it will work, or if he won't like the way he feels on the medication - and we're obviously considering it a trial. But if there are no bad side effects, and he feels good taking it, and he feels like it's helping him - then we'll likely stick with it for the foreseeable future.

I try not to judge anyone for their decisions, and I ask people to not judge me for mine. If you have never raised a child with ADHD, and never seen them struggle with work that they are clearly intelligent enough to complete, but just can't focus well enough to do so; if you've never seen your child yell in frustration that "I just can't get my brain to stop!" - then you can't say what you would do in my shoes.

These aren't shoes I ever wanted to wear, and I'm still not entirely sure how this is all going to play out, but we're doing the best we can, and what we feel is right for our family, and when it comes down to it, that has to be enough.

A Week of Appointments

Three appointments this week - one with our family therapist, one with my orthopedist, and one with my physical therapist.

Here's the lowdown:

Family therapy - I finally feel like we've found someone we're going to want to continue to work with, and someone who's going to truly help us. This was only our second appointment, but there was an a-ha moment - a revelation by Scott and I combined with a great suggestion from the therapist - and that moment solidified for me that we're on a good path here.

The a-ha moment was us realizing that one of the things we have yet to figure out is whether or not we're expecting too much from Gabe. So much of our frustration with him stems from the fact that he doesn't do things that we feel like an almost-10-year-old kid should be able to do (simple stuff, like getting ready for school without us supervising him). But it occurred to me as we sat there and talked that maybe he truly isn't capable of that.

One thing he is very capable of is being an enthusiastic fan. This is him cheering his heart out during a URI football game last weekend. He and Carmine both screamed and clapped the whole time (Carmine's cheer of choice was "DO IT!!!!" which all of the people seated near us got a big kick out of).

And if that's the case, then our tactics have to change completely. Rewards and consequences are irrelevant if he simply isn't able to do what we expect him to be able to do. And there is the very real possibility that we need to accept that we just cannot send him upstairs to get ready on his own without having to go up shortly after to redirect him from whatever is the distraction of the moment and keep him on task.

It's exhausting and frustrating to have to do that, but I really do feel like maybe if we have the mindset that that's just the way it is, and no amount of rewarding him or punishing him is going to change it, then maybe it won't feel quite so draining.

Our attitude and our outlook and our approach to all of this is key to keeping things as harmonious as possible, and it feels good to be focusing on that, rather than on trying to fix things that aren't really fixable.

Orthopedist - No Xrays were done, but I don't think there would have been any point in that anyway, since stress fractures rarely show up on xray. The diagnosis is - one heck of a case of medial tibial stress syndrome - or, as I referred to it on Facebook, wicked bad shin splints.  Pretty much what I figured, and I had already booked my appointment for PT, fully anticipating that that would be the recommendation.

Carmine accompanied me to the appointment, and he was quite a hit, chatting it up with all the doctors and nurses. I have never in my life seen a kid less shy than he is. My doctor's appointments are going to be very boring (and quiet) when he starts going to school all day.

Physical Therapy - I absolutely adore my physical therapist. She has worked magic on all of my injuries, and I trust her implicitly. That being said, it had been a long time since I had been there, and I was kind of bummed to have to be walking through that door again.

We did the initial evaluation of the injury, which Carmine assisted with (best helper ever), and got right to work with the laser treatments and massage. The area is still very sore to the touch, and I know if I tried to run, it would hurt.

So even though I asked her opinion about whether or not I should take another week off, I knew what the answer would be. I want to get over this as quickly as possible, and the best way to do that is by not aggravating it further, so it'll be another weekend without a long run.

Carmine provided plenty of entertainment during the appointment, though, and as he 'helped' with the massage, he proclaimed "and now you can run again!"  Smart kid - already knows what his mom wants to hear.

Despite not being able to run, I'm wiped out and sore. I am not the kind of person who wallows and gets lazy when I'm injured - I use the time to throw myself into other types of workouts, and this week that's meant lots of gym cardio and tons of weight lifting. I'm so glad, and so thankful, that I don't mind spending time at the gym. I know for lots of people, it's akin to torture, but I have no problem with it, and it's been such a blessing to have that outlet.

I'll be back in PT twice next week, and then will try out a short test run to see if things have improved enough for me to gradually start running again. Hopefully they will have. I have ten weeks 'til Boston training is scheduled to start, so I have some wiggle room, but I don't want to use up too much of it!

It Takes A Village (and Sometimes A Therapist, Too)

Summer is over, we're settling into our school routine, and I'm buckling down in all aspects of life. I enjoy the lack of routine in the summer, and being a little more carefree about things (things like, um, not cleaning the house for 3 weeks because we're too busy beaching and day-tripping).

But there's definitely a part of me that welcomes a return to regular schedules and knowing exactly what each day is going to bring. And as we get back to that schedule, and we deal with this transitional time, it's become abundantly clear to me that all summer, we were just muddling through with Gabe, and now that we need to expect a little more of him (homework, getting up and getting ready for school, doing more regular chores), things aren't going particularly well.

I'm in no way blaming him. He has ADHD, and he struggles. He struggles greatly sometimes. And he's aware of the fact that he's struggling, and there are a lot of times where he'll even comment on how his brain is making him crazy, or how he hates that he can't remember what he's supposed to be doing or how he's supposed to be acting.

I'm not excusing bad behavior in any way, and there are things he does that are just him being a pain in the butt, like any kid is from time to time. 

More often than not, though, it's truly not his fault. His brain works differently, and there's no getting around that.

But no matter how much you remind yourself that it's not him intentionally trying to cause trouble, when things are getting hairy and chaotic and three very loud, increasingly excited boys are all losing it at the same time, it's all too easy to react without thinking rationally - which never ends well, since my overreactions lead to their overreactions, leading to the entire situation spiraling into ugliness.

I'm just not happy at all with the relationship Gabe and I have right now. I feel like all the time I spend with him is spent nagging or correcting behavior or yelling. It's frustrating, it's exhausting, and there are days I'm just so emotionally spent, I have nothing left for anyone else in the family - which isn't fair to Gabe, or to Carmine or Dante or Scott.

And often, I end up just feeling sad. Sad that I spend so much time disciplining him and correcting him, rather than enjoying his company.

So we had an appointment earlier this week with a therapist to hopefully get some help in how we deal with him and his behavior. We saw someone last spring for a couple months, but I didn't feel like she did very much to help, and we just stopped going, instead of finding someone new to see. When things are going well, it's easy to think that we don't need anyone's help, and we'll be fine on our own. But right now, things aren't going well, so it's time to call in reinforcements.

Hopefully we can get back on a good path, because I know as the teenage years approach, things are only going to get more complicated, and I want to head into that stage of his life with us on as even a keel as possible.

And I want to remove as much of the negativity as I can, because he is an awesome little kid, and he has so many great qualities - it's just that when you're 'in the trenches' and dealing with the everyday nuisances and chaos and just trying to survive the day, it's very easy to get bogged down in the details and lose sight of the bigger picture.

But I'm confident that with some assistance, we'll get that appreciation back, and we'll restore a little bit of harmony to this house.

Note that I said 'a little bit.'  I'm optimistic, but I'm not stupid - a house with three little boys is never going to be totally harmonious - but I'll take any progress we can get!

This Is My Brain On A 20-Mile Run

When you start a marathon training cycle, the 20-mile runs seem so daunting and so, well, looooooong. But then you do a 15-miler, and a 17-miler, and you think 'what's a few more miles?' I've actually found myself thinking, at the 5-mile point - 'hey - only 15 more miles to go!'

That's where I am now, with my first two 20-milers under my belt. The first one was amazing - one of the greatest 20-mile runs I've ever had. The second one, run this past Saturday, wasn't quite as spectacular, but it was definitely overall one of the good ones.

It did not start out very auspiciously, though. The temperature was around 11 degrees when I left my house, and with two pairs of gloves on, I thought I'd be fine. I was wrong.

About 3/4 of a mile away from my house, I had to turn around and head back - my hands were so cold they actually hurt and there was no way I was going to make it another 19.25 miles without better gloves. I barely made it the .75 miles back to my house! 

I grabbed what I think of as my space-man gloves - huge, thick, fleece, Thinsulate-lined ones that remind me of the gloves that are part of a spacesuit - and stayed inside just long enough to regain feeling in my digits.

The spaceman gloves did the trick. It was a little awkward carrying my handheld water bottle with them on, but my hands were warm, so I made it work - and my fingers were so much happier.

This was a solo run for me - our schedule last weekend just didn't allow me to meet up with friends - but I wasn't dreading it. I've done plenty of solo 20-milers, so I know what it's like, and my brain does a very good job of entertaining me.

I had my phone, so could have listened to music, but opted not to. I really have turned into an anti-music runner, and the few occasions where I do turn it on while running, I usually only want to hear a couple of songs, and then it starts to annoy me. So strange, from the person who used to spend hours crafting the perfect playlists for races and training runs.

But not this time. This one was just me, the squeak of my shoes in the snow, and the sloshing of the ice that was forming in my water bottle as I ran (it was that cold). And that was ok.

As the miles ticked by, I thought about so many things. I thought about Boston, of course. And I thought about Gansett, as I was running along parts of the course as I meandered through town; and as I ate my Gu, which was nearly frozen solid because it was so ridiculously cold, I thought an awful lot about how I cannot WAIT for spring.

And of course I thought about the boys. I often think about Gabe when I run. I think about all the boys - the hilarious things they do, and how amazing it is that they can alternate from being so crazy and rough and wild to being sweet and innocent and cuddly.

But because we do face a lot of challenges wtih Gabe's ADHD, my thoughts frequently turn to that while I'm out there on the road alone, because that is prime thinking time.

I ponder different solutions we can use at home and at school to help him thrive. I think back to situations that didn't go well, and how I can handle them better the next time. I wonder how he sees me, and how he'll remember his childhood. Will he think I was just a nag, constantly pestering him about what he had to do?  Or will he remember that for all the pestering, there was also a lot of praise and encouragement and hugs and smiles and lots and lots of fun stuff?  I'm sure he'll remember a bit of both, but hopefully more of the latter.

I sometimes think of our situation with him as a constant struggle, but I've been trying to reframe it and think of it more as a work in progress. Trying to be more positive overall. Trying to be less reactive - because he is nothing if not an absolute pro at getting a reaction from me. To say he knows how to push my buttons is a gross understatement.

And I will freely admit that I often overreact. I lose my patience, I get frustrated, I get angry, and more than I like, I yell. It's so easy to tell myself I'm not going to lose it the next time, but then the next time rolls around, and it's EXACTLY like the last time, and the last 100,000 times, and oh my god, we do this every single day and why on EARTH can you not just come upstairs and get ready for school without me having to stand here and supervise every single step of the process??????  Sigh.

But I am making progress, and doing a better job of reminding myself that even though I feel like I should be able to leave him to do those things on his own, the reality is that most of the time, I can't. And accepting that is one of the most important things I've done. It takes the fight out of the situation, which makes everything much more harmonious.

Our mornings are far from blissful (but honestly, if anyone with three small children tells you their mornings are blissful, they're lying), and we still have plenty of mad dashes that are still sometimes punctuated with yelling and frustration, but the conflict is short-lived, and I've also gotten better at removing myself for a minute (taking a time-out, something Carmine has been known to suggest I do), so that I can return calmer and more patient and ready to turn the situation around.

It's a work in progress for sure. And one that will continue to evolve and change and keep me guessing. And one that I'll continue to ponder as I run many more miles in preparation for April 15.

All that thoughtful reflection you have time for when you're running for nearly 3 hours not only gives you better perspective on situations that can be really tricky or challenging when you're faced with them in the moment. As a bonus, it also serves as a great distraction from the fact that you're exhausted, your knees hurt, your feet hurt, everything hurts, and you're hungry and you just want to be home.

Running has taught me so much, but how to persevere has been one of the most valuable lessons. During those last 2 miles of Saturday's run - most of which were slightly uphill - I dug deep to find the energy to keep my feet moving. And it was buried deep inside, but it was there, and I finished with a feeling of tremendous accomplishment.

I got a little boost, too, from a Facebook message that popped up on my phone while I was stopped for a fuel/water/bathroom break on the way back home. I had posted that I was heading out for a 20-miler in 11-degree temps, and a friend commented that "Those are the runs that make you the runner and person you are." So true, and so what I needed to hear at that moment. So if you're reading this, Caroline - thank you!

I'm in the process of training for my 4th marathon, so I've done a lot of 20-milers now, but when it's done, I still spend the rest of the day thinking to myself "oh my god - I can't believe I ran 20 miles this morning."  Whether it goes well or not, it's an incredible athletic achievement, and one to take pride in - more so if it's only one of five times you'll do it over the course of a 4-month training cycle. 

And in running, just as in life, if it's not one of the great ones, you'll have the chance to do it again,  and hopefully make it better the next time.

Two down, three to go. Ten weeks 'til Boston.

Easing Into Fall

I'm still having a hard time letting go of summer. Yes, I like being back in a regular routine, and we're getting back into the swing of things with homework and soccer and sticking to schedules again, and it does lend a certain stability to our days and weeks. 

But nearly every single day since school started, I've found myself either driving by the beach, or taking walks with Carmine along the seawall. I can't stay away. We're planning an afternoon of boogie boarding this Saturday, once soccer games are over, and I can't wait to dig my toes into the sand.

The big boys are adjusting well to school, and happy to be seeing friends every day. We had a meeting yesterday morning about Gabe's 504 plan, though, and one of his teachers told me that Gabe said to him the other day that he wished he were at home because he missed his mom. He almost never says anything like that, so it nearly broke my heart.

Not much has changed with his 504 accomodations, but we're all in agreement that this is going to be a challenging year for him - more homework, and more expected of him in general. I feel confident that he's up to the challenge, but it's going to take a village - which is why I'm so happy we have one. His teachers and aides are all so amazing, and they do such a fantastic job with him. We are so fortunate to be at such a great school.

One thing in particular that I've noticed, and his teachers have noticed, is that he seems to be very aware now of the things he struggles with. He understands that he has more trouble focusing than other kids do, and that he's more easily distracted than other kids are, and that he sometimes finds himself feeling like he's physically unable to stop doing something (fidgeting, humming, tapping his pencil) even though he knows he shouldn't be doing it. And there have been times, both at home and at school, that he's said things along the lines of "I hate my brain," or "I wish I didn't act this way."

Those are things you just don't want your kids to say. I almost feel physical pain in my heart when he talks like that. So these are the kinds of things that I'm going to make sure we talk about when we have our next few appointments with the therapist.

He's not a big talker, especially when it comes to emotional issues, but he really enjoys our appointments and definitely opens up a little more in that setting, so I want to take full advantage of that and make sure that he knows he's a smart, funny, fabulous kid who can overcome these challenges and do anything he sets his mind to.

Dante, as usual, is our roll-with-the-punches little guy, and is loving first grade. He is also Carmine's partner in crime, and the two of them have a really special relationship that's very cute to see. Dante loves to get Carmine out out of his crib in the morning, and I love to listen over the monitor and hear the door open and Carmine yell "Hey Dante!!!" 

The two of them also love to curl up in our ottoman. It's the kind where the lid lifts off so you can store things inside, and they line it with blankets and pillows and sit in there and call it their "boat."

Carmine, as usual, is just busy trying to keep up with his brothers. He's becoming slightly more adventurous with eating, as long as he can dip everything he eats into ranch dressing (which he calls ketchup - actually, 'kepchup').  He and Dante are definitely simpatico when it comes to food - they were both dipping grapes in ranch dressing the other day. Luckily Carmine will also eat several servings of steamed broccoli that way - that's the only vegetable he'll eat, but it's a good one, so I'll take it!

Yesterday I got out one of the three-wheel scooters the boys used to ride when they were 4 and 5 years old, and at 2 1/2, Carmine is already a pro. I took him scootering along the seawall this morning, and he was in heaven.

We skipped the gym today, and had nothing else planned besides a trip to the grocery store, so I let him just meander along the sidewalk at his own pace, and it was one of the nicest hours I've spent in a long time.

He scootered; he stopped occasionally for breaks; he pointed out the seagulls and EVERY truck and motorcycle that drove by; he waved hi to people we passed (all of whom got a huge kick out of him); and we just took our time. Nowhere to rush off to, nothing to keep us from lollygagging. It was wonderful. And it was something I realize we need to do more often.

As busy as our schedule is with afterschool and weekend activities, our daytime hours are relatively quiet, and now that school is back in session, it's hitting me that this is my last year of having at least one of the kids home with me all day every day, and I'm feeling like I don't want to squander this time.

Preschool for 3-year-olds is only a few hours a week, but that shift to 'school mode' is still a very momentous one, and signals the true end of babyhood. As long as he's with me 24/7, he's still my baby. Once he's out there on his own, even for just a few hours a few times a week, he's off and running......

Believe me, there is part of me that will thoroughly enjoy the quiet and the freedom of doing things without having a child in tow.

But there's another part of me that's going to really miss having constant companionship - because that companion may sometimes whine and scream, but other times he hugs me and giggles and makes me laugh when he says that something is "doog" instead of "good." Or when I tell him I love him, and he says "Alright."

There's a 'Back to School' mural on a building in town that depicts a group of parents jumping up and down as a school bus drives away. I drove past it with Dante in the car, and with a very confused, sad look on his face, he asked me why the parents were so happy that the kids were leaving on the bus. I told him that sometimes it's nice for mommies when the house is quiet for a little while. 

He said "But don't you miss us when we're at school?"

I assured him that yes, even though it is nice to have some quiet time, I do miss them - very much - and maybe the mural was really showing the mommies and daddies jumping up and down because the school bus was bringing their kids back home.

And truthfully, I think it's a little of both.

Accountable

With all the marathon mania around here lately, I've had a hard time sitting down and writing about anything else. But there is plenty of other stuff going on, and our continuing efforts to work on and improve Gabe's behavior are in the forefront.

Scott and I went to see a psychologist a few weeks ago, and while I did find the visit to be helpful, and we probably are going to schedule more appointments, I was a little disappointed to find that she was very pro-medication. Disappointed, and a little annoyed at first, but not surprised.

But I also wasn't swayed in my very firm belief that it's not something we're going to consider at this point. Luckily Scott and I are in agreement on this.

She gave us her whole medication spiel, but also followed it up with a lot of very useful and helpful information about various techniques we can use in lieu of medication, and told us that if we decide we want to continue to work with her, she'd love to have us come in for more appointments, where she can go into much more specific detail about some of the behavior modification programs and how to implement them. 

One of the key points we took away from the appointment - this isn't just about Gabe. It's about our entire family, because his behavior affects all of us. It affects me and Scott's relationship, and our relationship with Dante, and our relationship with Carmine, and Gabe's relationship with everyone.

I think we already knew that, but didn't consciously think about it. Much of our time and attention is often directed toward Gabe - supervising, monitoring, controlling, reprimanding, speculating on whether or not we're handling the situation correctly...   And that, obviously, is time and attention that we can't give to the other boys.

This, I suspect, contributes greatly to Dante's propensity to do everything with incredible enthusiasm and at ridiculously loud volumes. I think some of that is just his personality - he is his father's son : ) - but some of it is also his way of saying "hey, look at me, I'm here, too!"

The bottom line is that when one child diverts attention from the others on a regular basis, it shifts the family dynamic.

And there's no denying that we also sometimes experience extreme frustration with Gabe's behavior, which leaves us very litte patience for Dante and Carmine's shenanigans.

I'm not saying any of this to place blame on Gabe. It's far from his fault. This is who he is, and it's up to us to help him find ways to cope with the challenges he faces, so that he doesn't require so much attention from us, and the dynamic can be a bit more balanced.

It just so happens that some friends recently started using a system called Accountable Kids, and I had considered it when they mentioned it, but never got around to ordering and committing to it.

But after that visit, and after reading a little more about it, it really seemed like a great solution for us, so I went ahead and placed an order.

It arrived last week, and I've spent a few days familiarizing myself with it, and getting the materials ready, and we set it all up for the boys tonight. It seems like a great way to keep them on track without constantly nagging them, and it also seems tailor-made for kids with ADHD, who need nearly constant reinforcement and rewards.

Time will tell if it works well for us, but I have high hopes. We've tried other behavior charts and various methods of rewards, but haven't found any one that we stuck with consistently - and that lack of consistency does not do any of us any favors.

So we'll put this plan into place, and get as much information as we can from the psychologist, and keep working at this.

The other key point we took away from the appointment was this - if we choose not to use medication, we need to be prepared to be 'on' 24/7. Yes, this is part and parcel of parenting in general, but with a child who has ADHD, you have to be even more 'on,' and more aware, and more diligent.

And you have to be prepared to keep at it forever. There's no cure for ADHD, and you don't outgrow it. Like I said, this is who Gabe is.

BUT, it's only one part of who he is. He's also a sweet, funny, silly, smart, and amazing little boy, and we're responsible for teaching him to make the most of his life and be the best he can be.

It's a tall order, and some days I don't feel like I'm up to the challenge, but I'll definitely do everything in my power to make sure I succeed.

Taper, Disaster Boy, and Gabe

Not having to run for 3 hours on Saturday morning makes the day feel so much longer - in a good way! 

I actually did my long run on Sunday this week, opting out of the cold rainy weather we had Saturday. Sunday was so much nicer - sunny and dry, and in the 50s. My fingers are crossed that we'll have weather like that for race day.

The schedule called for 10 miles, but I was enjoying myself so much, I tacked on an additional 2 miles. It's been so long since I really had fun while running - it was lovely : )

I ran on the course again, and thought the entire time about how I'm going to feel as I'm running those miles 'for real.' No matter how slow or fast I run this race, it's going to be an incredible day, and now that I'm down to just 12 days to go, I'm getting so unbelievably excited. I cannot wait to be out there on the starting line.

I know the nerves, and the doubt, and the anxiety are going to kick in soon, too, but for now, I'm going to enjoy the excitement and happiness.

Lots of excitement with the boys lately, too.

They went bowling with Scott last night for their school's annual 'Boys Night Out," and had a great time. Last Friday I got them out of school early to come home for a quick visit with Grammy and Grampy, who had made the trip up to bring Gabe his birthday presents. (They weren't able to be here on his actual birthday, but they did call to wish him happy birthday that night, as did several other family members, and when he picked up the phone, he commented on how many phone calls he was getting, saying "Boy, people must think I'm a hero, or famous, or something!")

Last Thursday night was their school's Arts Night, and we went to tour all the classrooms, which the students had decorated with various ocean-themed artwork. This was very apropos to Dante's current obsession with the Titanic. He's devouring Titanic books from the library, and I can't even keep track of how many very detailed drawings he's made of the ship - complete with cutaway views, showing the bunks in the cabins.

Prior to this, his big interests have been earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, and volcanoes. I'm sensing a theme here. Going to have to start calling him Disaster Boy.

Tomorrow night is their school production of The Wizard of Oz, which they've been rehearsing for for many weeks now. I can't wait to go see it!

It's also report card time, and parent-teacher conference time, which, when one of your kids has ADHD, can be a kind of stressful occasion.

Gabe's report card was ok, but for the first time, his teachers are seeing evidence that his problems with focusing and paying attention are affecting his ability to learn.

He's always struggled with those issues, but up to this point, he was still able to keep up with the curriculum and do well with his school work and homework, and at every meeting and conference we had, we were always told (and we were of the same mindset) that as long as he wasn't having any problems academically, we shouldn't even consider putting him on any kind of medication.

Now that's changed, and the areas where he's having trouble are no surprise - social studies, science, history - areas where he really needs to stay focused so he can comprehend the information he's reading, or being taught, and take the time to think things through so that he can answer questions and problem solve.

He knows he needs to do a better job paying attention, and he knows it's causing him to not do well on some of his assignments, and he gets frustrated that he can't. His attention wanders, and he has so much trouble preventing that from happening.

We are still very, very reluctant to use medication. Even though he is having some problems right now, I think there's a good chance that, with lots of practice and hard work, he can overcome those problems and develop better study habits. These problems just recently cropped up, and I don't want to immediately turn to medication without exploring other possibilities, and I can say with certainty that it's not something we're even going to consider for the immediate future. I want to exhaust every other option we have first. 

To that end, I'm going to call a therapist in our area who specializes in working with kids with ADHD, and set up some appointments, for Gabe, and for me and Scott. I think it will be helpful for Gabe to talk to someone who can hopefully give him some more strategies for reigning himself in, and also give Scott and I more information on things we can do to help him, both at home and at school.

I've read books, I've pored over websites, and I've implemented so many behavioral charts and systems that I can't even keep track of them all. And they all work to some extent, and we're by no means in crisis mode. I just feel like we could use some help. It takes a village, right?

Ready to Re-Charge

I don't write a lot about how we deal with Gabe's ADHD here, but I am constantly thinking about it. It's a pretty pervasive force in our lives, and I'm always reading and learning and trying out new tactics. And I used to feel like we'd eventually find a system or a method that worked, and all would be well.

But as the days and months and years have gone by, I've realized that there is no single 'solution.' This is something we're going to be working on forever, and every day, every month, every season, every holiday is an opportunity for a curveball to be lobbed at us, just when we felt like things were going smoothly.

I mention holidays, because the Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas season definitely threw us for a loop this year. The levels of hyperactivity seen in this house were like none we had ever experienced before. And although Gabe is the one who was diagnosed with ADHD, Dante is a very silly, rambunctious 6-year-old, and is definitely a force to be reckoned with, too, and the two of them feed off of each other, so it's very much a group effort!

And I will be the first to admit that my reactions are often (very, very often) not the calm, soothing, controlled response that they should be. I struggle with my own issues in regards to all this, and just as Gabe's behavior has highs and lows, so does my capacity for dealing with it.

The seasonal chaos spilled over into school a bit, too, which was our real concern. There was no real bad behavior - nothing harmful, nothing mean-spirited, nothing that would even raise a red flag if it happened once in a while - it was just a constant struggle with not waiting to speak out in class, and making unnecessary noises (humming, etc.). Generally being a distraction to the rest of his classmates, and not being respectful of the classroom rules.

Like I said, nothing that would cause much concern if it was a rare event, but it was happening EVERY single day - and his classmates were complaining about it. And as I looked back at his daily calendar (which has color-coded symbols to reflect his overall behavior each day), I saw that the problems started right around Halloween, and continued right through Christmas break.

My memory isn't great, but I'm fairly certain I recall a very similar pattern last year. And as it did last year, the behavior seems to have magically corrected itself now that the holidays have finally come to an end.

So now that we've seen and dealt with this pattern of behavior two years in a row, I'm going to literally write something in my calendar for next October, to remind me to put some extra systems in place for that time of year, to try to keep us all on track.

That time of year is tough on me, too - my mind is buzzing with a million things to get done, and my patience runs thinner and thinner as the holidays draw closer and closer. So a reminder to all of us to be mindful of those factors, and work really hard to keep them from sabotaging our daily routines, will be a good thing.

I'm also making some changes now that I hope will stick with us throughout the year, one of which is less TV time. In the holiday rush, I got lazy, and often let the boys watch TV when I was busy with housework and projects (which was a lot of the time). I'm not against TV, but it had gotten a little out of hand - as evidenced by Carmine walking in the house, hopping up on the couch, and demanding to watch "Mickey! Mickey! Mickey!"

One idea I'm trying is my version of an "idea jar." Instead of a jar, I got an envelope, glued a magnet to the back, and stuck it on the fridge. Inside the envelope are tickets with ideas for things to do. Some are just ordinary suggestions - Legos, watercolors, Matchbox cars - but there are a few different ideas, too - write someone a letter, read a book and draw a picture about what you read.

It's a small thing, but when there's an hour 'til dinner, and everyone is bouncing off the walls, and also complaining that they "don't know what to do," I no longer have to come up with an idea on the spot - they can choose one for themselves. Last night all three of them happily painted watercolor pictures for a good 45 minutes. It was lovely : )  And not having the constant background noise from the TV made me feel calmer, too.

I also signed us up for this program - The 10-Day Family Recharge - which looks fabulous. I don't think we need to completely overhaul our lifestyle, but I do think some reminders will be good for all of us. Reminders to really appreciate each other, and try to not get too caught up in the insanity that is our daily life. It is a bit insane, but it's awesome, too, and it's all too easy to lose sight of that as you're yelling at your 6- and 7-year olds to get their gloves on so we don't miss the bus and your 2-year-old is sobbing for Daddy, who just went to work.

I don't anticipate major changes, but I do anticipate subtle ones. Hopefully a little more patience on my part. Maybe a little less bickering between Gabe and Dante (hey, I can dream, can't I?) 

I guess the big thing I'm hoping to get out of it is a small shift in my way of thinking. I spend too much time focusing on the million lists I'm constantly making in my head - what I need to do, and where we need to go, what we're planning next month, and the month after that - and not enough time just being with my kids and enjoying the crazy, funny, sweet little boys they are. A little more connection, as they really start to grow up and tackle some of the tougher things life is going to start throwing at them. A little more calmness, so that they know if they have a rough day at school, home will always always always be their safe haven. (I think they know this already, but it bears repeating and reinforcing).

In any case, I think it will be a fun experience for all of us, and I'm excited to get started next week - after my first 20-miler on Saturday, for which the temperatures are going to be up near 50 - thank you, Mother Nature!!!!!!