Me and The Boys

Another View

This morning I was going through some of the stuff we brought home from the hospital, and noticed that on my discharge papers, the nurse wrote "Brilliant birthing." That made me smile : )  

I shared my version of Carmine's birth story a few weeks ago, and our doula also wrote her own version, which she gave to us when she visited the week after Carmine was born. It was such a wonderful thing for her to do for us, and I'm including it in my blog book that I have printed every year, and a copy is also going into Carmine's baby book. I get goosebumps every time I read it. 

And if anyone else cares to read it, I'm posting it below. Thank you again, Jessica. Our doula was most definitely worth the moula (and then some!).  

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This is the story of your birth, as told by me, your Birth Doula.

I was more than happy when I got a call from Rene asking for me to be her backup-doula.  She was supporting a friend through her third birth.  That friend ended up being you, and I didn’t end up staying in the role of a backup.  

I had such a good feeling about how your birth was going to be after I left our prentatal visit.  Not only had you served me oreo cookie balls that were to DIE for  , but you also expressed a sincere desire to have this baby with as few interventions as possible and with no pain medication.  You were so pure and true in your feelings about this birth.  You had two prior deliveries that were both very different from each other.  Both you had epidurals for.  This time around you wanted to feel the labor all the way to the end.  You wanted to participate as much as possible in the birthing of this, your third child. 

I got my first phone call from you on a Friday.  This was one week past your due date.  You had slight contractions, and since you were already 4 cm dilated, this could mean something good was going to happen!  But it didn’t.  The following Wednesday you went to see an acupuncturist to try to induce labor.  You had been having the same slight contractions again, so coupled with the acupuncture, it could have set off true labor.  But it didn’t .  Thursday you had an appointment with your midwife.  She said that since you were now two weeks past your due date, it was time to get your baby born. 

Friday the 22^nd you got to the hospital at 5:30 in the morning to have your waters broken.  It was very exciting!  Once that bag of waters is popped, a baby must be born.  It was going to be today!  I arrived at 6:30 to join in the beginning of your labor.  When I got there everyone was happy and in anticipation of seeing your baby for the first time.  There was lots of talk of what the gender might be.  Most agreed that you were having a girl.  I voted for a girl, but wasn’t quite sure  

At 8:00 they finally broke your waters.  We immediately started to walk to try to get things moving.  You walked and waddled.  You squatted and wiggled.  Not much was happening though. 

The staff at the hospital were so very respectful of your birth wishes.  They knew you wanted as few interventions as possible.  They knew you didn’t want to be on a monitor if possible and not hooked up to an IV if possible.  Though it’s normally their routine to do all of the above, they let you be as natural as you could be.  Lucy Batista was your midwife and she was wonderfully supportive.  You had a few different nurses, but every single one was behind your plan 100%. 

By 10:30 the decision was made to possibly try to “re-break” your waters.  Not much fluid came out the first time, so they decided to try again to be 100% positive that all was working correctly.  Your cervix was a little odd, the midwife said.  It was 3 cm on one side and 5 cm on the other, with the effacement 100% on one side and 80% on the other.  So exams were awfully uncomfortable, and finding your bag of waters was a little rough too.  But this time she got it.  Off we went to walk the hallways again!  

We’d walk for an hour or so, then come back to the room to get monitored for a short while.  We listened to music.  You drank and drank.  You sat on the birth ball.  You rocked in the chair.  We watched Rachel Ray on TV and you dreamed about food that you weren’t eating.    You were being incredibly positive and doing everything possible to start this labor rolling.  

But hours had gone by and nothing was happening.  There were slight contractions, but nothing that was going to birth your baby.  Emotions got down and decisions had to be made.  Still no one was forcing any decision on you.  The idea of pitocin was thrown out there, but you decided you still needed a little more time.  

It was decided that you’d try to get some rest since you hadn’t slept well the night before and you had been up all day being active.  Lights went out at about 2:15 and you got a really nice long nap.  I snoozed in the room with you as well.  Scott sat out in the atrium to answer some emails on his computer.  You slept until about 4:00!  Your body needed that rest badly.  

When you woke up Lucy came in to the room.  The clock was ticking and no one wanted you to be laboring all night long, when your body would be even more tired. She suggested starting some pitocin slowly to see what would happen.  I was so proud of you when you asked to be left alone so you, Scott and myself could talk about the pros and cons.  It allowed this to by YOUR decision, not some healthcare providers decision.  It was a hard decision to make, since you wanted to not have to have any medical interventions.  But in the end, what you needed was a nudge.  And this might just be the nudge you needed. 

And it was!  At around 6:00 Pitocin was started slowly to give you the chance to adapt to the coming contractions.  Even on the Pitocin you were adamant about being able to walk.  So we were up doing just that.  We even had to plug in to the hallway if you remember.  That’s when nurse Dita from next door joined us out in the hallway.  She confessed that she really wanted to have you and Scott as her patients.   I thought that was kind of sweet.   

It was soon after that when you wanted to stay in the room.  Your contractions quickly went from 8-10 minutes apart to 3-5 minutes apart.  This was really encouraging news for you.  The idea of having to be on Pitocin was disappointing for you, and hearing that progress was being made helped you to get past this new twist in your labor plans.  

By 7:00 you had gotten into such a focused state of mind that you wanted the TV turned off.  You were sitting on the birth ball at the end of the bed and Scott had been rubbing your back.  For a moment Scott left the room.  While he was gone you asked for him.  You needed him.  When he came back in I suggested he resume his place behind you since you needed him so much.  When he saw that you were in pain he teared up himself.  It must be so hard as a loving husband to see the person he cares about the most in such a state of being.  

You were very quiet while you labored.  But I could tell things were getting much more intense.  You stopped talking in between contractions.  You were specific about where and how you needed Scott to rub your back.  Your breathing became much more patterned.  Everything got very quiet in that labor room at about 7:00.  I got on the bed to talk you through each contraction.  Scott whispered words of encouragement often.  Lucy sat in the chair and directed you when needed.  And the wonderful nurse was on her knees trying to fix the monitor the whole time.  

It was around 8:00 that things changed.  You began to cry…a sure sign of transition.  But the most convincing sign that you were nearing the end, was when you looked up at me and Scott with tears in your eyes and said that you wanted your “Icecream”, our little code word.  Every woman who is laboring unmedicated gets to the place when they think they can’t do it anymore.  You had gotten to that place.  Immediately Scott’s eyes welled up again.  We looked at each other for a brief moment silently telling each other what to do.  I knew in my heart that you were almost there.  It’s one of my policies that before any major decision is to be made, you must be checked to see how far along dilation is.  So that’s what we suggested you do.  You agreed. 

Oh how I hoped you had progressed!  I hoped and prayed in my heart that you’d almost be done! 

Lucy checked you.  It was painful to say the least.  But…You were 8 ½ cm!!!  Oh my goodness!  You, in effect, had done it!  And hearing that number convinced you that you had done it as well.  I don’t say this to all of the moms I work with, but I looked into your eyes and said that If you had gotten this far, you could do the rest.  But you had to take over, believe in yourself, and get yourself to the finish line.  You mustered up whatever it took and kept on going. 

Within 4-5 more contractions you felt the urge to push.  Oh what glory that sound of pushing is to a support person, after being in intense labor with a mom.  That phase of just having to survive the contractions, to now being able to work with them, is so liberating.  The end is now in sight.  

It was 8:30 when you started to push.  And your baby was born at 8:53.  You were a magnificent pusher.  Scott was a magnificent support.  As soon as your baby came out, Scott took a peek and announced to you that you had a little Carmine.  It was a boy! 

I am so proud of you as a woman and a mother.  You made it through so many twists and turns with the birth of this baby.   Being 2 weeks past due; Having to go to the hospital to have your waters broken;  Not having labor start even after that.; The emotional and physical strain of getting pitocin; And that point when you think you can’t handle one more contraction. 

But each twist of your pathway in labor you managed just fine, even if you thought you couldn’t.  You were strong, powerful, beautiful and pure.  You adapted when you needed to, and kept to the course when it meant the most. 

Thank you for inviting me into this journey with you.  It has been a true privilege.  I hope you remember what you have accomplished for the rest of your life.  You were already a wonderful mother.  This just tops it off.  

Jessica 

Carmine William's Birth Story

Knowing that you're going to go to the hospital at 5:30am the next morning to have a baby makes it very difficult to get to sleep and stay asleep. So, unfortunately, I was already tired when we arrived bright and early for induction on Friday morning. But there really wasn't much I could do about it, and I hoped that once my labor really got going, the adrenaline would kick in and give me enough energy to get through it. 

Little did I know that labor wouldn't really get going until hours and hours later..... 

The plan was to break my water and see if that was enough to get some good contractions going. I had continued to have random contractions Thursday and Thursday night, but still nothing regular. But I was still almost 4 cm dilated, so had really high hopes that once my water was broken, things would kick in for real. 

But that was not the case. After they broke my water - around 8am - we walked. And we walked. And we walked some more. And still there was nothing but sporadic contractions that were very manageable. 

After a few hours of walking, I was feeling like I really wasn't leaking much fluid, and opted to have the midwife check again to see if my water had in fact been broken, because it really didn't feel like it had. So I endured a third excrutiatingly uncomfortable exam (she had done two when she first ruptured the membranes, because she wasn't quite sure she had gotten it), but this time there was a definite gush of fluid, so at that point we were absolutely certain that the membranes were definitely ruptured. 

So we walked some more. And did some squats. And walked some more. Luckily at this point, I wasn't hooked up to any IVs or anything, so walking around was easy, as I wasn't dragging an IV pole behind me. And having both Jessica, our doula, and Scott, to keep me company made things much easier. 

But still, it had been hours of this, with little to no progress. There was one point where I started to have some stronger contractions that were coming closer together - 3 to 5 minutes apart - but almost as quickly as they started, they stopped. I can't even begin to tell you how discouraging that was.

I think it was now around 1:30 pm, and I had to go back to the room and get into bed to get my second dose of antibiotics (for the GBS that I tested positive for), and I was beyond discouraged. I was exhausted, I was frustrated, I was disappointed, and I was feeling like everything we had wanted for this birth was just slipping through our fingers. Jessica and Scott kept giving me pep talks, trying to keep my spirits up, but I was at a really low point, and didn't know how much more I could handle. 

At that point, we came up with a new plan, which was for me to lay down and take a nap, and then when I woke up, we'd regroup and figure out where to go from there. I was still holding out hope that the contractions would kick in and we wouldn't have to go to Pitocin, but that hope was fading fast. 

I did feel slightly better after a long rest, and when I woke up it was about 3:45, and the midwife came in and asked me if I was ready to get Pitocin started. I was still hesitant, and asked for a few minutes to talk it over with Scott and Jessica, and it didn't take long for me to realize that it was really the only option left. More walking and waiting was going to do nothing but get me even more frustrated and more exhausted, and emotionally, I had taken just about all the waiting that I could. 

So although I still didn't like the idea, we decided to go ahead and slowly get the Pitocin started, and I was all hooked up at 4:15. Now that I was being medically induced, I was required to have an IV with fluids and be hooked up to monitors recording both the baby's heartbeat and my contractions. That was one of the biggest reasons I didn't want the Pitocin - I didn't want to be connected to all those wires - but there was no getting around it now. 

And luckily we had been blessed with some wonderful, fabulous nurses, who were all very supportive and understanding of the fact that we were still hoping for a natural birth, and they were great about working with us to try to stick to as much of our original plan as possible. So they got me hooked up to the telemetry unit, so that we could get up and walk around (dragging the IV pole with me). 

We walked for a while, but I had to keep stopping to take breaks because I was so unbelievably tired. There was a bit more waiting before the contractions started to really kick in, but I was actually glad for that, because I knew it meant that they were really letting things progress gradually, which was better in the long run. 

I'm not entirely sure of the timing, because I honestly wasn't looking at the clock at all - I knew it would just discourage me more - but I think it was around 6pm or so that the contractions really started to pick up in both frequency and intensity. We were still up and about at this point, doing a little walking, but I was now having to slow down and/or stop when a contraction hit. 

After a very short while of walking and stopping like that, the exhaustion hit me again, and we went back to the room and I got settled on the birth ball at the end of the bed, leaning forward and resting my head on the bed. And that was pretty much the position I stayed in until it was almost time to push. 

This was the point at which I really started to have to focus and concentrate, and was no longer talking to anyone, even in between contractions. I remember Jessica and Scott talking to me, and encouraging me, but it was almost like they were off in the distance. But the words and encouragement were very helpful, and I'm so thankful they were both there. 

When I think about why I was able to get through the experience this time, as opposed to opting for the epidural with the boys, I know exactly what the difference was. Obviously we had prepared, we had taken classes, we had the support we needed - but the crucial difference is that I was very consciously focusing on breathing through and working with the contractions, instead of fighting them. There were times where I'd tense up a little, but for the most part, every time a contraction hit, I concentrated on relaxing and letting my body do what it needed to do, and that, I feel, made all the difference in the world.

After a while, though, just breathing through the contractions wasn't cutting it anymore, and I started moaning. It wasn't anything I thought about doing - it was just what was happening, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The intensity of the contractions was overwhelming at this point, and I don't think I lifted my head up once. I just focused on getting through one contraction at a time, and trying to rest in between. 

But as I got through each contraction, I found myself feeling closer and closer to giving up. Around this time, I also started shaking. And I think I knew in the back of my mind that I was in transition, and the end was near, but still, every time a contraction hit, I went through a little argument in my head, about whether or not I was going to give up and ask for drugs. 

I won the argument many, many times, but finally I lost it. We had agreed with Jessica that I would have a code word, and the only time anyone was to even consider giving me the epidural was if I used the code word. And I used it. I was nearly crying, and could barely get out the words, but I got them out. I was done. I didn't want to do this anymore, and I just wanted the pain to go away and I wanted to lay down and rest. 

Jessica and Scott tried to convince me that I didn't really want that, but I wasn't listening to anyone. But I knew that before they went ahead with anything, they'd check to see how much I was dilated, and although I dreaded having to move at all, never mind go through an exam, they were able to get me up on the bed, where I just automatically lay down on my side, which for some reason was the only way I felt comfortable. 

I was able to stay that way for the exam, and when I heard that I was 8  1/2 cm, I knew there was not going to be any epidural. And I also knew that it would be ok, that I was almost done, and would be pushing soon. 

And sure enough, just a very short while later (I have no idea how long, but maybe 15 minutes?), I started to feel pressure. No urge to push, but tons and tons of pressure. And when she checked me again, I was fully dilated, and was told to push whenever I felt ready. And as I digested this information, the midwife and nurses started to get everything ready for the baby to be born. 

I think I was a little scared to push at first, and waited through a few more contractions, but then gave a few small pushes, and once I did that, my body completely took over. 

Having pushed two babies out with epidurals, I never really understood what people were talking about when they talked about that uncontrollable urge to push with every ounce of strength you have in your body. But now I know. Wow, do I know. 

I have never in my life experienced anything so instinctual and downright primal, and I think if anyone had told me to stop pushing, I would have punched them in the face. It was also incredibly painful, and anyone who knows me knows that I'm generally a pretty quiet person, but every time a contraction hit and I was pushing, I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I almost couldn't believe the noise I was making, but it was beyond my control. 

I don't know how many times I pushed, but I do know that it felt like things were progressing relatively quickly. I remember pushing for nearly 2 and a half hours with Gabe, but this time after just a few pushes, I was being told by everyone that the head was right there. It was encouraging to hear, but I still kept asking if I was almost done. The pressure was so unbelievably intense, and I just wanted this baby OUT. 

A few more pushes, and the head was crowning, and I knew I had to work up the strength for just a few more, and with everyone's support and encouragement, I did, and then the head was out, and with one more push, I felt the most incredible sense of relief as the rest of the baby slid out and I knew I was finally, finally done. 

Then Scott had the privilege of announcing that it was a boy, and we were both pretty much sobbing with joy and relief and excitement. 

We had hoped to wait to cut the cord until it stopped pulsing, but since there had been meconium when they broke my water, that wasn't possible - they wanted to check the baby right away to make sure no meconium had been aspirated into the lungs, so they did that, but they got it done pretty quickly, and he was fine (I could hear him crying loudly, so I knew he was going to be ok), and then got him back to us, and I was finally able to hold my baby - all 10 lbs 2 oz. of him. 

When I heard how much he weighed, I really couldn't believe it. I was kind of expecting that he'd be big, just because of Gabe's birthweight, and the fact that this time I was 2 weeks overdue, but I don't think I expected he'd be THAT big! 

As they finished up with me (delivering the placenta, etc.), I held our not-so-little Carmine, and savored every single second of it. We had waited a long, long time and went through an awful lot to get to that moment, and it's one I will never forget as long as I live. 

As I look back on how everything went, there are things that I'm disappointed about - namely that I didn't go into labor on my own, and that we weren't able to us the Alternative Birthing Center, and that I ended up on Pitocin and hooked up to all the machines that I had so badly wanted to avoid. But in the end, I did it - I delivered naturally, and we have a healthy, perfect baby boy. 

I'm proud of myself for finding the strength that I needed at the end, but even more so, I'm thankful that I had the support of a fabulous husband and an amazing doula, who were so important in helping me do what I needed to do. 

And now, 5 days later, I can say that everyone is right when they say that recovery from a drug-free birth is much easier. Since I was unmedicated, and was able to push so much more effectively, and only had to push for half an hour, I am feeling so much less sore than I was 5 days after pushing Gabe out. And I'm tired, but not as exhausted as I felt in the days right after having Gabe. 

I will never regret the way that any of my births have gone, especially since they have all resulted in beautiful, healthy babies. But this birth was an entirely different one, and opened my eyes to a lot of things, and I'm so thankful that I was able to experience it this way. I have more respect and appreciation for my body than ever. 

As I type this, Carmine is snoozing next to me, and although I do have moments where I miss feeling his little squirms and kicks inside of me, it's SO much better having him here with us : ) 

Looks Like I Won't Have To Change The Name of My Blog

Welcome to the world, Carmine William San Antonio. 

Born at 8:53pm, January 22, 2010. 

10 lbs, 2 oz.

Healthy baby, healthy mommy. Life is good. 

And he was so worth the wait. 

 

Time's Up

Whether he/she likes it or not, this baby is coming out tomorrow. 

The appointment today went fine, but 42 weeks is as far as they'll let me go, so tomorrow's the day. We have to be at the hospital bright and early - 5:30am! 

The plan is to start by breaking my water, and they'll allow me to walk around for a few hours after that, to see if that's enough to get me into a pattern of regular contractions. Hopefully it is, and the odds are pretty good, seeing as how I'm already pretty well dilated and effaced (still 4cm). 

If not, we'll have to try pitocin. But they are willing to start me on a small amount of pitocin, and once I start having some regular contractions, stop the pitocin and see if my body can continue to labor naturally from there. 

This is clearly not how I envisioned any of this, and I can't deny being a little disappointed. 

However, I'm slowly adjusting my mindset, and feeling a little better about everything. As I approached 41 weeks, and then this week, closed in on 42 weeks, I knew in the back of my mind that this scenario was a very distinct possibility, so it's not a complete shock or anything. 

But it is still an adjustment, and definitely very different from what we had hoped for. But I'm going to work really hard to stay positive about everything, because there's a lot to be positive about - I'm going into this being already 4 cm dilated, so almost half the work is already done. And I had contractions all day yesterday, and have had a bunch this afternoon, too, so my body is really, really ready, which puts me in a much better position for induction of any sort. And I have very supportive, wonderful midwives who are doing everything they can to help me have a good birth experience. And we have a fabulous doula who's going to be there with us every step of the way. And even though I'm not going into labor on my own, we do still have a very good chance of having a birth experience that is not fully medicated. 

So it may not be ideal, but we're still in a pretty good spot. And the one advantage to all this is that we were able to call people today and make definite plans for when we'll need babysitters, etc., rather than having to call them in the middle of the night and ask them to rush over. And we were also able to tell the boys that the baby is coming tomorrow, which was fun. They're pretty excited, and as of right now, they're both requesting a little sister. 

And the best part of all is that, one way or another, we are going to have a baby tomorrow : ) 

Tick, Tock

The clock is steadily ticking toward the 42-week mark, and we stepped up our efforts today when I received my first-ever acupuncture treatment. It was interesting. Not at all painful, and pretty relaxing, actually. 

This baby has already had quite a profound effect on my life - I've gone for chiropractic treatment and acupuncture, two things I've never even considered before, and I've also become a huge fan of yoga - all while still in my belly! 

I am NOT getting my hopes up, but I have also been having contractions throughout the day. At times they come somewhat regularly, but then they disappear for a while - pretty much like what happened last Friday. But I am sort of kind of hoping that the contractions I'm having, plus the acupuncture, plus the acupressure we're planning on working on tonight, might finally set things in motion. 

But if it doesn't, I am not going to get myself into a total funk about it tomorrow. We're trying the things we're comfortable with to get labor going, and that's as much as we can do. 

I have a midwife appointment scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. The usual routine - ultrasound, non-stress test, and an exam to check dilation and baby's position. 

And, of course, seeing as how I'll be on the eve of 42 weeks, we'll be discussing a plan to get this baby out once and for all. 

I don't think Scott is going to be able to come to the appointment with me, unfortunately, so I'm hoping that they don't pressure me too much to come in first thing Friday morning for some sort of induction. As much as I'm ready for this to happen, I want to be sure that we have time to discuss all our options together, and also discuss them with our doula, before we move ahead with anything. 

Obviously the baby's health is the most important thing, though, so if there are ANY concerns whatsoever, we're not going to hesitate to act more quickly. 

So, either I'll go into labor tonight or tomorrow; or we'll plan some type of induction procedure for Friday or Monday. Either way, we'll be meeting this little one very, very soon!!!!!!!!!! 

41 Weeks And Three Days - And To Think I Was Worried About Making It Past 34 Weeks

Unfortunately, nothing much to report over here. No further contractions, nothing going on. 

I really didn't expect to be at prenatal yoga on Sunday, but since there was nothing happening, I figured I might as well go, and I'm glad I did. It definitely helped me feel better mentally and emotionally, and was just very relaxing and peaceful - something I can really use right now. The instructor was pretty surprised to see me, as were the other regulars in the class. 

We had a nice visit with Grammy and Grampy in the afternoon - it was nice for the boys to see them, and nice that they were able to come up for some time with just the boys, before the focus shifts to the baby. 

So here we are at 41 weeks and 3 days, and I had another appointment this morning. Another non-stress test and ultrasound, during which the baby looked perfect - moved around a ton, heartbeat sounded great, and amniotic fluid level is normal. 

I'm still at about 4 cm, and baby's head is at about -1, which is good. Once again, all systems are go - if I would just start having some contractions already! 

I have another appointment scheduled for Thursday. I really, really, really, really hope it isn't necessary, but if it is, that's when we'll start making a plan for some sort of induction. The one bit of hope I'm holding onto at this point is that if we do end up in that situation, my midwife told me that rather than going straight to pitocin, they could admit me and break my water and see if that's enough to get labor started. 

Still not as good as going into labor naturally, but definitely a better alternative to pitocin, so if that's what it comes down to, we'll try that first for sure. 

Physically I'm really feeling fine - no more uncomfortable or achy than I've felt in the past 4 or 5 weeks. I haven't gained any more weight at my last few appointments, probably because I'm really only able to eat normally at breakfast and lunch - by the time dinner rolls around, my stomach is so full that I can't eat much, so my dinners have been very light. 

Emotionally, it's just a lot of up and down. There are times where I'm fine, and other times where I get totally discouraged and frustrated and anxious. I never got this far along when I was pregnant with Gabe - he was born right at 41 weeks - and only made it to 34 weeks with Dante, so being this far overdue is a real eye-opener. 

We're working on many of the natural methods that supposedly can induce labor, and none of them have worked thus far, but we'll keep trying. I have an appointment for acupuncture on Wednesday, and truthfully, that's the method I have the most faith in, so hopefully if I make it to Wednesday, that might be the thing that finally gets this baby moving. 

In the meantime, the boys are keeping us plenty busy. Busy driving us crazy, too, since Scott and I are both pretty on edge. They have been doing a surprisingly good job of playing together nicely, though, and yesterday they even played together on one floor of the house while I cleaned on the other floor, and a good 40 minutes went by without a single fight! I was shocked - and thrilled! 

And one time when I stopped to eavesdrop on them, I heard Gabe saying to Dante "Well, sometimes it's a little frustrating for Mom and Dad, because the baby's coming soon."  They definitely are picking up on the tension. 

Gabe told us some funny jokes yesterday, too, all of which involved chickens. An example of his idea of a 'joke' - "How does a doctor wear sunglasses in the summer? Answer: On a chicken."  He cracks himself up.

If You've Come Here Looking For Baby News, You're Out Of Luck

The contractions I was having all day yesterday just eventually petered out and stopped altogether sometime during the night. 

To say I was a little discouraged this morning is an understatement. 

This is really the first time I've felt genuinely frustrated and upset about being overdue, and I think it was just all the buildup yesterday, of thinking that we were really headed into going into actual labor and having this baby, only to have it all fizzle out. 

So it was a bit of a rough morning, not helped by the fact that I was woken up by Dante - who had a super runny nose and was coughing a lot - at 4am, and couldn't get back to sleep. He went back to sleep, but then Gabe was up for the day at 5:30, so I stayed up with him until 6:30, when I went and asked Scott to take over so I could get a little more rest. 

Even with some extra sleep, though, I was still pretty crabby. Luckily Scott stepped in and took the boys out for a good portion of the day, and I was able to get some more rest and get out for a long walk. And since it was much milder today than it's been lately, it was nice to be out in the fresh air. 

As I was walking, I listened to some of the music that I have loaded on my iPod that I plan to listen to while I'm in labor, and I'm happy to say that it did exactly what I've been hoping it will do - it relaxed me and calmed me down, and got my head in a much better place. 

It certainly came in handy today, but hopefully I'll be able to use it for its intended purpose soon.

An Update

Had my 41-week appointment today, which included an ultrasound and non-stress test. The non-stress test involves hooking me up to monitors to track the baby's heartrate and movements, and response to any contractions I'm having. Baby performed perfectly, and I was hooked up for almost 45 minutes.   

And I am in fact having contractions - have been since last night - and had several while I was hooked up to the monitors. They are sporadic, though, and have not settled into any kind of regular pattern. However, some of them were plenty strong enough to wake me up last night, and when my midwife checked me at today's exam, I am now about 4 cm dilated, so although not super painful, the contractions are doing their job! 

I'm pretty excited to be already almost halfway there in terms of dilation. Still a LOT of work to do before the baby is born, but it's nice that some of the work has been done so gradually, and almost without me noticing. 

The ultrasound was mainly to check the levels of amniotic fluid, which were also fine. So all the testing went well, which was great news. 

They estimate that I've got another 9-pounder in there (Gabe was 9lbs 11oz), and although I know those estimates can be way off, I think this one is probably pretty accurate, and given Gabe's birthweight, I was expecting a larger baby, so I'm not surprised. And really not worried either, since I know from experience that my body is perfectly capable of pushing out a baby that large. 

I had hoped to have my membranes stripped, as it's often a good, natural way to really get labor going, but since I tested positive for Group B Strep, she was hesitant to do it, as there is a very small risk of the GBS infection getting passed to the baby before they can get me antibiotics (which I'll receive once I go to the hospital).

So we'll just hang tight, and I'll keep moving, and hope that the contractions strengthen and settle into a pattern and really get this show on the road. 

Scott was able to come to the appointment with me, which was really nice, especially since we got to see the baby on ultrasound. We saw a great image of the face, and saw baby trying to get his hand up to his mouth (I'm just saying 'his' - we still don't know!). 

Clearly, there is no doubt that I'm having a baby, and all the kicking and thumping, not to mention the enormous belly, and now the contractions, are constant reminders of that fact. But there's something about seeing that little person on the screen that makes it all seem SO much more real - particularly now that we're inching closer and closer to seeing him or her in personl!!! 

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but I am thinking that there's a very real possibility that we could be meeting the newest member of our family before the weekend is over......

Running Out Of Title Ideas

There are only so many ways to say "no baby yet," and I'm tired of coming up with new ones, so there you have it. No baby yet.

I'll be 41 weeks tomorrow, and I've been going back and forth all week - some days I feel fine, other days I feel sooooooooo ready for this to happen. 

A while back, I wrote a post about how we discussed with our doula that labor can, in many ways, be compared to a marathon, and I can't help thinking of this whole event in that way, since what I've been feeling these past few weeks is very similar to how I feel before a big race. A little nervous, very excited, pre-race jitters, and then the need to just GET IT DONE already! 

The only difference here is that 'race day' is not predetermined. 

So, still we wait, and feel very much in limbo. I usually have a plan for our weekly meals, but that's gone out the window, since my appetite has been kind of off lately, and I also feel very unmotivated to plan anything, given that I could theoretically have this baby ANY MOMENT NOW, so what's the use in making plans?

And I'm kind of in hibernation mode already, not feeling like doing much of anything (a feeling which is only intensified by the bitterly cold weather we've been experiencing), which isn't too great for Dante, who's stuck home with his very lazy Mommy. 

We did venture out Tuesday, though, and walked around the mall a bit, and window-shopped, and rode the carousel and got pizza and ice cream. So we are getting out and about a little. 

We had to make a trip to my dentist today, too. I had originally had acupuncture scheduled for this morning, but had to cancel that, due to having an extremely sensitive tooth that I needed to get checked out today instead. 

It turns out that it's not something that needs to be dealt with at the moment (and the sensitivity has quieted down, thankfully), but I really didn't want to end up in a situation where I was needing an emergency dental procedure days after giving birth - or, alternatively, end up in labor with a toothache.

So I figured it was better to get it checked out now and see what was going on. And I'm very relieved that it's not anything to worry about, and that I do not need major dental work while almost 41 weeks pregnant. 

So I have my regular prenatal appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning, and I'm really hoping it's not necessary. There are still a lot of hours left in the day.....  

If I do go to the appointment, though, and all goes well, I'm pretty certain they'll just tell me to come back in a week, and that's the point at which induction would become a very real possibility. Hopefully we don't make it that far, though. 

Overall I'm really doing ok - this is just one of those days where I'm feeling ready and antsy and wanting things to start happening. And tomorrow might be just the opposite. 

Or tomorrow I could give birth. Who knows? 

No Baby Yet, But Things Are Headed In The Right Direction

Had my midwife appointment this morning, and all is well. Baby sounds great, and is positioned perfectly, and I'm almost 3 centimeters dilated, so my body is definitely gearing up for the big event. Oddly enough, I lost almost 3 pounds since last week, but believe me, it's not for lack of eating! Apparently it's actually normal to lose some weight in the final weeks - not something I've ever experienced before, but I'm not complaining - that's 3 pounds I don't have to lose later!

She also told me that they won't even begin talking about induction until I've passed the 41-week mark, which makes me feel a little less anxious. I'm not in a huge rush to get the baby out, so I'm glad they're not, either. I'm all for letting things happen when they're supposed to happen - if that's sooner rather than later, great, but if not, so be it. 

But the midwife I saw today just happens to be my favorite, and she just happens to be on call tomorrow, so it would be awfully nice if baby decided to make his/her arrival then. That's also when Gabe has predicted that the baby will be born, so who knows - he may have some special 5 1/2-year-old intuition about the whole thing.....

Dante also had his 4-year checkup this morning, and he's a healthy little boy. 40 pounds and 42 inches, and developing right on track in all areas. 

He has a bit of a cold - as do all of us - and was complaining last night that his throat hurt, and then woke up in the middle of the night saying his foot hurt (we suspect a charley horse, or that his foot fell asleep, or something like that), and when I told him he was going to the doctor today, he told me to make sure they checked his throat and his foot. 

And sure enough, when the nurse called us in from the waiting room, he strutted right through the door and said "Check my throat and my foot!" Not in a rude way, but definitely in a very matter-of-fact way. 

I don't think we'll ever have to worry about him not speaking up for himself....