Me and The Boys

Back to School, and Back to (Sort Of) Training

In the midst of all our summer adventures (which ended yesterday, when the boys went back to school), I've also been running - quite a bit, actually.

Last week, without realizing I was running so much, I ended up with 42 miles total for the week!  For someone who typically doesn't run more than 30 - 35 miles, that's a lot.

Part of the reason I've been running so much is that I hated to drag the boys to the gym too often during their final two weeks of summer vacation. They have friends there, and it's not that it's not fun for them to go, but it is getting a little harder for Gabe and Dante to find stuff to do, and they have much more of a tendency to get themselves in trouble if they're bored, so I find it's better if I only bring them once or twice a week.

Troublemakers : )   Two of the three are back to school already - the third starts next week!

And as any runner knows, there is no workout quite as convenient and easy as just slipping on your sneakers and heading out the door for a run, so that's what I've found myself doing more often than usual on many an early morning.

It hasn't been all easy runs, though. I've been good about getting in my weekly track workouts, and despite it being August in New England, we've been treated to some stretches of cool, dry weather, which has made those track workouts much more pleasant than I expected them to be. Although I don't really like that it's felt like fall (so not ready for summer to be over yet!), it definitely has had a very positive affect on my running.

Last week's mile repeats came in at 6:51, 6:37, 6:30, 6:31.  And this morning's track workout (in the pouring rain), although a little more humid, included a 6:43 mile, and a 1:30 quarter, so I'm definitely getting some speed back, which feels nice.

Tempo runs haven't been quite as regular, as I've traded a few of them in favor of easier runs with friends, because once school and afterschool/weekend activities begin, it's much harder for me to coordinate schedules so that I can run with other people, so I want to take advantage of the opportunities while I have them!

The tempo runs I have gotten in have gone great, though - my tempo pace is right around 7:15, which is exactly where I expected it to be. And holding that pace for a tempo run has me feeling good about trying for a PR at my October half.

So I've shifted from going out and just doing whatever to running with a little more purpose, but I wouldn't call it full-on training. I'm saving that for December, when Boston training will begin.

This is kind of my in-between half training/half fun spot, and I think it's one of my favorite spots to be in. I can push myself and work toward goals, but I don't feel too guilty if I trade a tempo run for an easy run with friends. And I don't feel too guilty if I run 12 miles instead of 14.

And summer has been the perfect time to be in that spot, because summer is not a time of year where I want to be tied to a strict schedule. I love routine, and I love schedules, and I love having a training plan, but everyone needs a break now and then, and I've been enjoying mine thoroughly.

After seeing last week's mileage total at 42, though, and after feeling some aches in my knees and my feet (bunion-related, I suspect), I do need to be more careful about not turning 8-milers into 11-milers, like I did one unusually cool and dry and perfectly gorgeous morning last week. That's the only danger with not having a schedule - it's easy to cut runs short, but for someone like me, it's just as easy to extend them far beyond what you planned on doing.

So this week will be a cutback week, and I'll be a little more conscious of keeping my mileage in check a bit, because I have some fun fall races planned, and don't want to risk getting injured and not being able to do them. 

First up is a local 5K put on by some friends, with the proceeds going to support the local track teams, so I'm happy to contribute and take part.  I've been really focusing my speedwork on longer intervals to get ready for the half, but I may throw in a couple weeks of shorter repeats to see if I can't pull off a PR at this 5K.

Chipping away at my 5K time has gotten progressively more difficult as I've gotten my pace into the low 7s, and then the sub 7s. I still have that sub-20-minute goal in mind, but I'm 99.99% certain that won't happen in September. Never say never, of course, but I haven't trained to run that pace, so I'm not anticipating it. But even if I can shave a few seconds off my current PR (20:51), I'll be happy.

Next up after that is a new race - the Ocean Road 10K. I'm really looking forward to this one, as it will be my first ever 10K!  Nearly 80 races under my belt, but I have never run a 10K in my life. And this is going to be a great one - the course runs from the Pt. Judith lightouse up to Narragansett Town Beach. It's basically a straight shot along the ocean, and not terribly hilly at all. So as long as the wind isn't in our faces the whole way, I should be able to run a pretty decent time. Whatever I do, though, it'll be an automatic PR : )

The start of the Ocean Road 10K - gorgeous, right?

I need to hold back a teeny tiny bit, though, since the following weekend is the half in Newport, where I really want to give it my all and hopefully get myself closer to my ultimate 1:35 goal. I'd love it if I could pull off the 1:35 at this race, but I think it's a bit of a stretch, given that I'm not fully committing to serious training. I feel like 1:36 is within my grasp, though, so I'll be happy if I can get there.

And then my last big race effort for the fall will be up in New Hampshire - a half-marathon built into a fun weekend away with friends!  We weren't sure if we were going to do a weekend away this year, and it all came together very last-minute, but I'm glad it did - and glad we registered just in time, because the race ended up selling out!

Looks like another very pretty course!

After that, I'll be laying low and skipping hard workouts for a month, to give myself a little downtime before Boston training begins. I've had great success with the Run Less, Run Faster plans for my last two marathons, but for this year, I think I'm going to be my own coaching guinea pig and create my Boston training plan myself. I haven't thought too much about my goals yet, but as the fall arrives, I'll start doing some number-crunching and see what I think I should aim for.

As of the past few weeks, my long run paces have been in the low 8s (and even a 7:55 average pace for this past weekend's 14-miler), so I feel like I should be able to break 3:30 this year, but what I need to figure out is how far under 3:30 I can be. Something to ponder a little more....

The majority of my running this summer has, luckily, been incident-free. I have had three reactions recently, but they were much more minor and manageable - which, given the freakish nature of this condition, is a really good thing.

The first reaction was just a few days before the Blessing, and started with the typical itchy hands. I stopped almost immediately and called Scott to come pick me up, and with some Benadryl, it was under control very quickly. The key, clearly is to stop running right away - a lesson I've unfortunately learned the hard way.

The other two times were different, though - I felt fine the whole time I was running, and it was only after I had stopped that I got itchy. And it wasn't my hands that itched - it was my lower legs and ankles. Bizarre. One time I took Benadryl to calm it down, but the second time I waited a few minutes and it subsided on its own.

While I'm glad that the last two incidents were so minor, and that they didn't happen until after I had finished running, I'm more baffled than ever, since there seems to be virtually nothing at all predictable about these reactions. Just when I think I maybe understand something about how to 'manage' them (a relative term), something happens that totally throws all my understanding out the window.

While taking the Allegra every day isn't preventing the reactions from happening, it does seem to have lessened their severity (for now, anyway), so I'm going to stick with it. As I tell myself often - I'm still able to run, and for that, I'm very, very fortunate, so I can't complain - there are far worse things I could be dealing with.

I'll just continue to do what I can to stay on top of it, and hope for the best. And keep running.

Races, Soccer, Baseball, and Batman

Things are beginning to feel more normal now, three weeks post-Boston. I still cry at times, particularly when I see images from the day of the race. It's the happy images that make me cry, though - the smiling runners and the cheering spectators and all the elated faces. It just breaks my heart to think about how so much was taken away from so many that day.

The past few weeks I had been reading everything I could get my hands on, and watching news clips constantly. I'm trying to back away from that now, though. I know what happened, and I don't need to keep rehashing it. I think it was contributing to the fog I was in, and I'm happy to be coming out of that fog.

Part of my return to reality was standing at the starting line of a race again, which I've done twice now. Two weeks ago, I ran the RI State Police 5K Foot Pursuit in Narragansett. I ran it last year and really enjoyed it, and even though I wouldn't recommend running a 5K two weeks after a marathon, I've now done it two years in a row and felt fine, so.......

It was a beautiful day, and I knew I was just going to go out and run a good effort. I wasn't expecting to run a PR, but I wasn't planning on just running easy, either, so I lined up at the front of the pack. I had my Garmin, but I didn't look at it a single time during the race - just put one foot in front of the other and ran.

It's a great course - pretty flat, and lots of it run along the ocean, and for being just two weeks out from running 26.2, I had a great day. Ran a 21:40, with almost negative splits - 6:52, 6:58, 6:40, 6:25. And I was tired when I finished, but I felt pretty good - except for the itchy hands, which started as I ran the final .1. 

The second I finished, I took a Benadryl and sat down, and I never got the full-blown scary anaphylactic symptoms, which was good - and I think it was because I sat down right away. I never fully broke out in hives, either - just had some itchiness. So although I was a little frustrated, it wasn't anything more than just a nuisance, so I didn't get too down about it, and even stayed for a short while after the race to chat with friends.

And this past Saturday night, I did a Boston Benefit race put on by the running club, and although it was one of the toughest, hilliest courses I've ever run, I was so glad to be there. It was great to run with friends - all the chatting was a nice distraction from the hills. My god, the hills! 

There was even one insanely steep at mile 5 (the friends I was running with had run this course before, and were referring to this particular hill as "the mountain) that was up a dirt road, which was preceeded by a sign that read "Pass at your own risk," and which was littered with potholes. Fun stuff.

We made it up without twisting any ankles, though, and continued on through one rolling hill after another, until we got to the final hill, which I thought was far worse than the mountain at mile 5. But of course, I just wanted to be done at that point, so I ran as fast as my beat-up legs would carry me.

This is my attempt at a smile, which is more of a grimace, which is actually a much more accurate depiction of how I felt.

I do feel proud that I survived such a tough course, though, and am pretty happy with our 8:43 pace. I had no intention of racing this one, and although I probably could have run a little faster, it would have been utterly miserable, and that's not what I was there for, so I'm glad I ran it easy.

And I'm glad that the event raised close to $600 for the One Fund Boston. I've donated through a few other outlets already, but was happy to contribute more, and especially happy that I was able to do so in a way that was meaningful to me - by running.

This coming weekend is the Cox Providence Rhode Races half-marathon - the kickoff fo the United Healthcare Triple Crown Series, which I'm doing again this year. I'm not sure if I can pull off a PR at this half, but I'm going to give it my best shot. Hoping that my marathon fitness will equate to a speedy half-marathon pace.

It's funny, though - I haven't been doing any kind of speedwork or tempo runs or anything, and as I'm out there running my easy, 8:30 pace for most of my weekday runs, it seems impossible that I could ever under a 7-minute pace - but I did just that at the State Police 5K. And as I finish up a 10-mile run on the weekend, I can't believe that I was at the point where 20-mile runs were routine. And I know I'll be back there soon enough. It seems far away now, but the time passes so, so quickly.

Lots more races to come this summer, and after the Providence half, I'll probably start back up with track workouts and occasional tempo runs. I am thoroughly enjoying running just for the fun of it right now, but I can already feel little hints that I'm going to be ready to start working on building some more speed to get me through my summer races and put me in a good position to start marathon training again next winter.

And in the midst of all this, my three crazy little men are keeping us extremely busy, especially now that spring sports are in full swing. We have two weeknight practices, plus games on Saturday and Sunday, and that doesn't leave us with a whole lot of down time.

I'm thrilled that the boys are enjoying their sports, but it always takes some time to get used to the hectic schedules. This is Gabe's first time on a travel/competitive team, and it's definitely been a learning experience. He's rising to the challenge, though, and it's been really great to see him learn more and develop into a stronger player.

His team has yet to win a game, but they still get out there every week and play their little hearts out, and it's so awesome to cheer them on. I do hope they win at least one game, though. They try so hard! I'm glad he has a great coach, too. They work hard, and they're learning a lot of new skills, but the emphasis is always on fun and teamwork, which is how it should be.

Dante is LOVING baseball, and I have to admit, I'm kind of hoping he sticks with it, because I think it's a fun sport to watch. I love watching Gabe's soccer games, too, but there's just something about baseball games in the summer.....   

He's only 7, so the emphasis is definitely way more on the whole 'having fun' aspect of things, but he's learning a lot, too. And for only having played one season of T-ball two years ago, he's caught on quick, and is doing really well. All the kids on the team still have times where they're daydreaming in the outfield, or goofing around in the dugout, but they're only 7 - they're definitely allowed to still do that sometimes : )

Carmine spent a good week and a half wearing a Batman cape everywhere we went, which made for some really interesting outings.

He wore it to the store, he wore it to the gym, he wore it to my doctor's appointments, and he wore it for our walks along the ocean. It all started when he woke up one day declaring that it was Halloween. I didn't feel like arguing, so I grabbed the cape and he put it on, and that was it. I never thought it would last as long as it did, but it was pretty fun and entertaining, so we were all happy to indulge him.

He's pretty much potty trained, and is all registered for preschool in the fall, and I can't believe what a little man he is. He wants to do everything himself, and he flat out refuses to be pushed around by his big brothers, and is not the least bit shy about telling everyone how he feels - usually very, very loudly. 

April was such a strange month, with the pre-Boston buildup, and the post-Boston emotional roller coaster. In some ways it feels like it all happened months ago, but at the same time, I feel like the whole month passed in the blink of an eye, and I can't believe that we're heading down the homestretch of the school season and before we know it, will be spending our days at the beach.

I'm looking forward to the slower pace that summer brings. We'll be plenty busy with camps and day trips and activities, but it's all fun stuff, so it doesn't feel stressful.

Spring and summer also mean a lot less time on the computer and a lot more time outside - which is as it should be. I do my best to keep up with blogging, but I'd rather be out there enjoying the days with my little guys rather than inside writing about it.

There have been times I've thought about giving up the blog entirely, since I post so much of what we do on Facebook, but I still like having this outlet to really write about things, in more than just a couple sentences.

And I've gotten several compliments on my blog over the past few weeks, so I'm happy that I didn't give it up. I enjoy writing it, and I'm glad there are people out there who enjoy reading it - thanks for sticking with me!

A Different Kind of Mental Toughness

I'm a pretty superstitious person. I always try to run on treadmill number 4 at the gym, and it's become my lucky number. I had a lucky hat that I wore at every race for a couple of years, and only retired once I completed Hartford and got my BQ. If I'm talking about how long I've gone without a major running injury, I always punctuate the statement with the phrase "knock on wood."

So as the weeks, and then months (4 and counting), were passing without me having had an episode of exercise-induced anaphylaxis, I didn't mention it to anyone. I was afraid I'd jinx myself.

And when I found out there was a new, significantly smaller epi-pen available, I immediately called my allergist and got one for myself (so much easier to carry while running!), all the while secretly hoping that maybe I'd never need it. Maybe I was going to be one of those lucky people for whom the condition disappears as suddenly and mysteriously as it appeared.

But 5 miles into my 15-mile run yesterday, my luck ran out.

I was scheduled to run 15 miles at an 8:10 pace, and I was having a blast. That's a really nice pace for me, and my body just seems to naturally settle into it, without much effort or concentration, and every time my Garmin beeped, I was so pleased to see that every mile was within seconds of my goal. Consistent pacing is a skill that can be very hard to learn, and something I still sometimes struggle with, so it's always a bonus when it comes easy.

Then as I turned a corner and headed into town, I felt a weird tingling in my hands. They weren't itchy, which is usually the first sign that something's going on - but they felt unusually warm and odd.

I was instantly on alert, but didn't stop right away. I wasn't entirely sure if it was just that I was warming up and needed to take my gloves off.

But then my face started to feel really warm, and my upper lip started to feel funny and swollen. Then a few steps later, I realized I was having trouble catching my breath, and with every step I took, I felt like a car running out of gas - the energy was just seeping out of me, and each step felt slower than the last. And I knew. 

This all happened over the course of about a minute, so I had only run another couple hundred yards or so, and I knew that was it. I sat down, popped a Benadryl, called Scott, and hoped that this one wasn't going to be a doozy that would land me in the ER.

Luckily it wasn't - mostly, I think, because I stopped running right away. There have been too many times that I've doubted the symptoms, and brushed them off as just being a result of me overheating or pushing myself too hard - too many times that I've been in denial and hoped that it would just magically stop.

But this time I paid attention to the signals, and I listened, because I reminded myself of how awful I felt the last time this happened, when I ended up having to use my epi-pen and spend the morning in the ER. I remembered how scary it felt - like my body was going completely haywire - and I did not want to feel that way again.

Thankfully I didn't - I spent about 40 minutes laying in bed with severe chills, and my legs and torso covered in big red blotches that never quite developed into hives. Not the greatest way to spend my morning, but it could have been far, far worse.

The worst of it was actually the way I felt afterward, emotionally. A lovely combination of anger and depression that I just couldn't shake. Sadly, I knew the best way to shake it would be to go out for a run. And honestly, I almost did. Once I was feeling better, I wanted so badly to put my sneakers back on and get out there and show my body who's boss. I wanted to pound out the fear and the anger and the sadness the only way I know how. 

But just as much as I wanted to do that, as much as I craved the feeling I knew I'd have if I had a great run - I was terrified of how much deeper I'd sink into depression if I didn't have a great run, if the anaphylaxis struck again.

I did go the gym and worked up a good sweat on the elliptical and bike, though. It didn't give me the satisfaction of knowing that I had completed my planned workout, but it did grant me some much-needed stress relief and a shot of some mood-boosting endorphins.

Along with being angry just at the fact of this happening again, I was angry that this meant I was missing a training run. I know that missing a long run isn't a huge deal, and that in the grand scheme of things, it probably won't make a bit of difference in terms of how I do on race day. But I'm very much a type A person, and when I have a plan, I stick to it, and I do not like the way it feels to deviate from that plan, to have that workout not completed.

And I like it even less when deviations from the plan are not of my own choosing; when they're entirely out of my control. And that's really what this all comes down to in the end.

I love the blog Mile Posts. Dorothy Beal is such an inspiration to me - an amazing mom, amazing runner, and an amazing writer, too. She has a motto that I love, but it struck me yesterday that it's one that I can't truly live by - "I Run This Body."

99% of the time, I do feel like I run this body - I feel like I can overcome just about anything. I can train in really bad weather; I can run 13 miles on the treadmill; I can power through intervals at paces that I never imagined I'd be able to run; at the end of a long run, I can find strength that I never knew I had. I can overcome the bad runs, the tough workouts, and the negative thoughts.

But I cannot overcome anaphylaxis. There's no powering through when your body is going completely berserk. There's nothing to do but surrender, and it makes me want to cry to feel so utterly powerless.

When you're in a spot where the thing that makes you feel stronger and healthier than you've ever felt in your life has suddenly made you feel completely vulnerable and terrified - it's an awful, terrible place to be.

So, for at least the next few days, until the memory of this attack fades, this is my new mental battle. To put the fear aside and put my sneakers back on and complete the next workout. To remind myself that for every time this does happen, there's countless other times that it doesn't. To cross my fingers and toes and enlist every other silly superstition I can, in the hopes that it does NOT happen on April 15th.

And to take a deep breath and remember that even though I can't conquer this physically, I can conquer it mentally. I don't have to let it get the best of me, and I won't let it stop me from doing what I love. My runs may be tinged with a little bit of anxiety for the next few days, but rest assured, they will happen.

There will always be that 1% of the time that I don't run this body, but I won't dwell on that - I'll move on and focus on the 99% of the time that I do.

Still More Questions Than Answers

This morning I made the trip up to Brigham and Women's center for Allergy and Immunology, in the hopes that a second opinion might shed some new light on this bizarre exercise-induced anaphylaxis I've been dealing with since last May.

The doctor I saw seemed very knowledgeable, and pretty well-informed on this condition, but unfortunately, there wasn't much he could tell me above and beyond what my local allergist has already covered.

We went over the history of all the reactions I've had, discussed the potential triggers, and what I've been doing up to this point to attempt to control/prevent the reactions, and we ended up right back where I end up every time I talk to anyone about this - it's a very uncommon, very unusual, and somewhat mysterious affliction, and we may never know why it's happening to me, and we almost certainly will never really be able to definitively 'fix' it.

You might think this would be really discouraging - to drive almost 2 hours just to hear the same thing I've already heard several times before. But it's really not, because honestly, I kind of suspected that that's what was going to happen. 

I've done plenty of my own research on this condition, and the fact of the matter is, it's just not well understood, even among the most skilled and qualified doctors. There was a small part of me that hoped that maybe I'd learn something new that would help me understand what's going on, and how to help prevent it or cope with it. But I knew the chances of that happening were slim.

I did have some bloodwork done, though, in an attempt to rule out a few possible allergens - namely, the foods that I most often eat before a run - bananas, wheat, and coffee. (Let's not talk about what a travesty it would be to find out I was allergic to coffee.)  He doesn't really suspect any of these are truly the culprit, but better to rule it out than to keep wondering.

And there were also some fancy acronyms and mast-cell disorders that he ran tests for - basically to see if the mast cells in my body (the things that actually trigger all the crazy stuff that happens when you have an allergic reaction) are somehow defective. Again, he doesn't think this is the case, but at least we'll have a definitive answer on that within a week or so.

So, the news is that there really is no news. I'll continue to do all the things I've been doing to keep myself as safe as possible when running, I'll keep taking Allegra before I run (he said I could even start taking it every day - it might not make a difference, but it wouldn't hurt, either), and I'll keep my fingers crossed that I'm one of the lucky ones for whom this all just magically disappears one day.

And on a much more fun note - it was kind of cool to be driving through Brookline and Wellesley and Newton, not far from where I'll be running in just 11 short weeks!

In Which I'm Reminded of How Uncomfortable Hospital Beds Are

I've been dealing with this somewhat mysterious exericse-induced anaphylaxis diagnosis since June, and its had its ups and downs, and certainly is something I'd rather not be afflicted with, but mostly it's been something I've felt was manageable. The last time I had an outbreak of hives, I got a little down, but did my best to move forward and not dwell on it.

When I went weeks without an incident, I could almost forget that it was even an issue.

But yesterday morning was a very vivid reminder that it is still very much an issue. As I neared the final mile and a half of my run, I felt a very faint itching sensation on my hands. It wasn't quite the same as it usually feels when these reactions happen, though, and at first I wondered if it really was an allergic reaction, or just something that had irritated my skin.

I ran a short while longer, but even though I was still feeling ok, and not all that itchy, I still decided to be safe and stop and take a Benadryl. I hate to take it, since it leaves me feeling sleepy and out of it for the rest of the day, but I was trying to do the smart thing.

I was in this exact scenario two times earlier this year, and did the same thing I did this time - took the Benadryl, and walked the remainder of my route - and both times, as soon as I stopped walking, the hives came out in full force, but after about 15 or 20 minutes, they'd start to subside, and I wouldn't experience any other symptoms.

So I figured that's what would happen this time, too, and I decided to walk the final mile or so. Yes, I could have called Scott, and in retrospect, I should have. But I foolishly didn't want to inconvenience him.

He was home with the kids, and I know what a pain it is to have to corral them all into the car - and it was early in the morning, and they were in the midst of getting ready for school, and since I felt like this was going to end like all the other incidents (me covered in hives, but otherwise ok), I didn't want to mess up the morning routine by making them all come out and rescue me.

I was even worried about how much longer it was going to take me to get home now that I was walking, and feeling bad that I had been out for such a long time, and was figuring out what I could easily put together for the boys' lunches. I still thought this was all going to be over quickly.

Unfortunately, that was not the case. As I kept walking, I felt worse and worse. My stomach was bothering me, I was having trouble catching my breath, and I was feeling lightheaded. At this point, I almost started crying. I didn't want to be going through this. I was so mad, and frustrated, and didn't know quite what to do.

Once I got home, I laid down, hoping that the Benadryl would kick in and I'd feel better, and to some extent, I did - my breathing was fine at this point, and I didn't feel lightheaded anymore, and strangely, there were no hives. And because I was starting to feel better, I held off on using my epi-pen. In retrospect, a foolish decision, but I had never used it before, and it's pretty serious medication, and it's kind of scary to put something like that into your body. 

But although the other symptoms had disappeared, I now found myself laying in bed shivering uncontrollably, even though I was covered in several blankets, and I knew the epi-pen was the only way to fix it.

Unfortunately, even after using it, I still felt kind of lousy. I still had the chills, and felt kind of queasy. I didn't know if it was the effects of the epi-pen I was feeling, or if for some reason it wasn't working, but both Scott and I were sufficiently freaked out and knew it was time to head to the ER.

Within 20 minutes of being there, I was feeling fine, and as it turns out, I was mostly feeling the effects of the medication at that point. But even though it meant spending two hours sitting in a hospital bed hooked up to monitors, I'm glad I went.

I spent the rest of the afternoon doing a whole lot of nothing. Between the Benadryl and the fact that the entire episode just completely drained me, I was pretty spent. Not to mention depressed.

I thought I had learned how to live with this, and how to sort of manage it, and it didn't seem like anything terribly scary or threatening.

Now, I'm terrified. I'm scared to run. I'm scared that this is going to happen again. I'm scared that next time Scott won't be around and I'll have to be carted off in an ambulance. I'm scared that I'll be sitting in the ER while someone else picks my kids up from school, and that they'll be terrified about me being sick. I'm scared that it could be even worse next time.

But at the same time as I think of all those things, I also think about how I simply can not stop running. It's who I am, it's what I do, and for every time this happens, there's 30 times that it doesn't.

I'm really struggling, though. Struggling with the fact that something that makes me feel so healthy, and so strong, and at times nearly invincible, also now has the potential to make me feel the exact opposite. And something that I can always count on to relieve stress is now the source of a great deal of stress.

Because of that, I'm no longer satisifed with this being a mystery. I need to do some more digging, and hopefully uncover some more answers - and I'm pretty certain that's going to mean traveling to Boston or elsewhere to see a different doctor. My local allergist just doesn't have experience with this condition, and I need someone who does.

I'm already in the process of collecting names and numbers, and hopefully will have an appointment set up somewhere by the end of the week.

Honestly, I don't know if a second opinion is even going to provide more definitive answers, since everything I've read about this suggests that it isn't very well understood by anyone - but I feel like I've got to at least try.

And in the meantime, I can't brush this off anymore. I can't worry about inconveniencing anyone if I need to be picked up in the middle of a run. I can't worry about the effects of the epi-pen. I'm not very good at asking for help, but I need to get over that, because it was made abundantly clear to me yesterday that this is not something I can fool around with.

This all may sound kind of dramatic and over the top - and when I go out and run and race and everything's fine, it's easy to think that I'm being overly dramatic. But the potential is out there for me to go into anaphylactic shock, and, well, that's pretty damn dramatic.

So, I'm on the hunt for answers, and I'm attempting to come to terms with all of this.

And I'm going for a run tomorrow, and hoping it's an uneventful one.

Triple Crown Finale, Anaphylaxis Update, and More Boston Blathering

When I signed up for the Triple Crown series last spring, I decided that the Newport half-marathon was going to be my big race for the year. I was going to spend my summer and early fall working toward what I thought, at the time, was a blazing fast sub-1:40.

And then several weeks ahead of schedule, I went and ran a 1:38; which of course I was thrilled with, but which definitely left me wondering what I should now be aiming for in Newport. 

In the end, I decided not to really aim for anything. That was my 'plan' going into Jamestown, and going into Zooma, and it panned out very, very well, so I see no reason to change it.

That's not to say that I'm not racing, though. I still see this as my biggest effort of the year, and I want to make sure that when I cross that finish line, I have emptied the tank completely. As always, it will be interesting to see what that equates to on the race clock.

I'm excited to get out and race again, too. I have had so much fun racing all these half-marathons this year, and each one has been a slightly different experience, and each one has taught me something new.

In New Bedford, I learned how much it sucks when you pick up the pace too much too soon; in Providence, I learned how awesome it is to pace someone. In Jamestown, I learned that I am much better at pacing myself than I thought I was. In Cape Cod, I learned that I can run 13.1 miles at a 7:29 pace! Can't wait to see what I learn this weekend in Newport : )

Hopefully I won't be learning anything new about my mysterious anaphylaxis episodes. I returned to the allergist and described the Labor Day reaction to him, and in addition to making it clear to me that the 'sense of impending doom' that I felt that night is not just a feeling - it really is impending doom, and that's my signal to use the epi-pen.

He also diagnosed me with Idiopathic Anaphylaxis, which is just a fancy way of saying that my body is freaking out on totally random occasions for no apparent reason.

It's a very unsatisfying diagnosis, but I basically agree with it - I don't really feel that there is a trigger, aside from (sometimes) running. I've been keeping a very detailed food journal, and after I had another post-run outbreak of hives yesterday (no impending doom this time - just itchiness), I looked back at my journal and saw nothing at all out of the ordinary.

I'm frustrated, and mystified, and annoyed, but also not really sure what else I can do at this point, besides bring my epi-pen everywhere I go and hope for the best. 

And I'm doing my best to try not to dwell on it too much. The days that I have a reaction are kind of crappy. It puts me in a funk, which is then exacerbated by the fact that I also get completely loopy from the Benadryl that I have to take to get the hives under control.

But after a good night's sleep, I attempt to just put the whole thing behind me as best I can. People live with far worse issues than this, and I have to remember that and keep it all in perspective, and keep moving forward. 

And on the theme of moving forward - every day that goes by, I get more excited to start training for Boston. Seeing all the Facebook posts from friends who just ran or are about to run their fall marathons, and seeing all the updates about the Hartford marathon, and remembering all the excitement and anticipation I was feeling at this time last year......  I'm experiencing a little bit of marathon envy, which I think is a good thing - it means I've had enough of a break. I definitely feel ready to tackle a tough training plan again, and to get a little more serious and purposeful with my runs. 

That enthusiasm will undoubtedly fade after about 10 weeks or so, but then it will return tenfold as April 15 draws closer. I fully intend to race Boston, but I also fully intend to enjoy and savor every second of it. I feel pretty confident that I could requalify to run it again in 2014, but if I have the choice, I'd much rather come back and run Gansett again.

Maybe I'll run Boston another time, too, but in case I don't, I plan to soak up the experience completely - starting with the 16 weeks of training. Eight weeks and counting..... !!!!!

Identity Crisis

Last week I had an appointment with my allergist - just to check in and see how things had been going, and if I had experienced any more episodes of exercise-induced anaphylaxis.

We talked about the last two times it's happened - both times, as soon as I started to feel my palms get itchy, I stopped running, and shortly afterward, broke out in hives. One dose of Benadryl helped calm down the hives, and although I had to spend the rest of the day in a Benadryl-induced stupor, for the most part, it wasn't anything more than a nuisance.

So the consensus was that, although this probably will still happen on occasion, it was something that was manageable, and as long as I'm smart and carry my epi-pen and phone, and stop running when I feel the symptoms coming on, it shouldn't turn into anything more serious.

We never discussed what to do if the symptoms came on under any non-running circumstance, because I never considered that to be a possibility. But you just never know what life's going to throw your way.

We got home late last night from a fabulous family picnic in CT, and I was looking forward to a good night's sleep. But as I was laying in bed reading, my stomach felt really unsettled. Seeing as how I ate twice as much as I normally would at dinner, I wasn't surprised, and got up to go downstairs and get some ginger ale. 

I noticed, though, that I also felt kind of 'off.' I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something just didn't feel right.

And as I walked downstairs, my hands started to feel itchy. At first I thought it was a coincedence. I couldn't possibly be having an allergic reaction just out of the blue. Could I?

But by the time I got downstairs, I knew that's exactly what was happening. And in addition to the itchiness, I felt like my lips were swollen. And my entire head felt tingly and odd.

It felt way too similar to how I felt the first time this ever happened, when I was walking home from the track, short of breath and lightheaded and seriously concerned about passing out on the side of the road.

That's when I freaked out and called Scott to come downstairs and sit with me. This is the only time I've thought that I might have to use my epi-pen, and I didn't really want to be alone.

I had taken a Benadryl, but the hives were spreading, and I was still feeling really weird. I didn't get the lightheadedness and shortness of breath, but I just felt very very strange. I was still hesitant to use the epi-pen, though. If I had experienced any shortness of breath, I would have gotten it out right away, but after a few minutes of laying quietly, I started to feel better. The hives were still itching like crazy, but the rest of the strange sensations were subsiding. 

And about half an hour after it all started, I was pretty much back to normal, and woke up this morning feeling fine. Well - physically, I feel fine. Emotionally, not so much.

I'm now more mystified than ever. Exercise-induced anaphylaxis, I can work with. I can manage it, I can handle it, I can live with it. Competely random, out of the blue, for no apparent reason anaphylaxis - that is not at all ok.

Obviously there's got to be some explanation for it - some food, some lotion, some environmental issue, or some combination of issues - but how the HELL do we figure out what that cause is????  I suppose that's the allergist's job, right? 

I'll be calling for an appointment first thing Tuesday morning, and I suspect I'm about to embark on what could prove to be a long journey to try to get to the bottom of this.

In the meantime, I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm now feeling decidedly uncomfortable in my own skin. I hate feeling like my body is rebelling against me, having these seemingly random freakouts that are at best, a minor inconvenience, and at worst, downright scary.

It's very hard to reconcile that with the fact that I am a relatively young and healthy person, who works so hard to stay in good shape so that I can go out and run and bike and swim and race and be active with my kids. It just doesn't add up. And it makes me so uncomfortable to know that there's this bizarre thing going on that, as of right now, is entirely out of my control.

I have a 10-mile run planned for early tomorrow morning. I'm going to be sure to take an Allegra before I go, and will carry all my supplies with me while I run. But I really, really hope that the run is incident-free. I need to see that healthy, strong side of my body for a while, to reassure myself that it's still there.

The Diagnosis

Two non-itchy runs this week, but I still paid a visit to the allergist this afternoon, and the verdict is what I suspected - exercise-induced anaphylaxis.

There was no one food that I consumed prior to each time this happened, so it doesn't seem like it's food-dependent, which is actually somewhat disappointing. If I knew that I just had to not eat a certain food before running, it would be a lot simpler.

Instead, the best course of action is for me to take Allegra before every run, run with others as often as possible, and always, always carry my epi-pen and my phone.

I know that, in the grand scheme of things, this isn't that big a deal. I'm still healthy, I'm still able to run, and this is something that's manageable and may not even happen all that often.

But it still kind of sucks.

What bugs me most is the unpredictability of it all. I set out for a 7-mile tempo run this morning, and it was going great, but nearly the whole time, I kept wondering if that tingly itchy feeling was going to start.

And when/if it does happen again, is it going to be just the hives, or is it going to turn into a full-blown anaphylactic reaction like the first time?  The hives are a nuisance, and not something I want to deal with on anything close to a regular basis, but the other symptoms were seriously scary, and I don't really care to experience that ever again.

He did say that the fact that I didn't know what was going on the first time, and likely just brushed off the initial itchiness and continued my workout, might be why it got so much more severe. Then again, it might not. The most frustrating thing about this is that there don't seem to be many absolutes, and that randomness is very unsettling.

I'm going to continue reading as much as I can about it, and although I trust my allergist and feel confident with his diagnosis, I might even go see someone else, just so that I can be sure I'm gathering as much information as I possibly can.

I am also going to start including many more details in my running log, just so that I have plenty of data to analyze if this happens again.

Aside from that, there isn't much I can do. I'll take the Allegra, I'll carry my phone and epi-pen, I'll run with friends whenever possible, and I'll keep my fingers crossed that my body cooperates.

And although I'm not crazy about feeling kind of on edge every time I head out, it's probably a good thing, in that it's forcing me to really be hyperaware of how I'm feeling, so that I can hopefully head off any really serious reactions like the first one.

I'm still very focused on my paces and distances and race goals, and love running all the numbers, but from here on in, every run that doesn't end with me covered in itchy red welts is going to count as one of the good ones.