Me and The Boys

A Look Back

I usually do a year-in-review type of post, summing up all my races for the year, but I almost forgot about it this year, since running and racing seem like kind of a distant memory at the moment. 

I am starting to really miss it, though, now that it's been 9 weeks since I last ran. But I know that soon enough, the baby will be here, and then I can begin the countdown to my first postpartum run. I know it won't be an easy road back, but I'm excited to at least be close to getting on that road. 

In the meantime, a quick recap of what I accomplished in 2009 - 

January was a month of no racing, simply because there were no good local races that I was interested in. But I was busy gearing up for the Super 5K, where I was bound and determined to set a new 5K PR, and was hoping to break 23 minutes. I fell a bit short of the sub-23, but did set a new PR of 23:11 - a PR that still stands today, and one I'm extremely proud of. 

The day after that race, I found out that I was pregnant. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, we learned that the baby had no heartbeat and I ended up having to go in for a D&C. It was a horrible time for us, especially since it was the second time we were going through this, having gotten pregnant and miscarried the previous spring. 

As with that previous miscarriage, I found running to be very therapeutic, and continued to do as much of it as I could, including signing up for a St. Patty's Day 5K in Providence. My body had been through an awful lot at that point, and I wasn't expecting a great race performance, but ended up running the race in 23:36. And more importantly, the experience of the race was very cathartic and very healing.

 

In April, I was feeling a lot better emotionally, and really threw myself back into my training, and it paid off when I ran the very hilly Celebration of Life 5K organized by the local hospital, and despite the challenging course, managed to win 2nd place in my age group. This was my third age-group award, but just as exciting as the first two.

May was my second running of the Cox Providence Half-Marathon, and I was on a mission to either set a new half-marathon PR, or run the race in 1:48. The 1:48 finish didn't happen, but I did set a new half-marathon PR by 3 minutes, finishing in just over 1:50. It's a tough course, with lots of hills, so I was thrilled to take 3 minutes off my previous year's time. 

 

And then, somewhat to my surprise, the day after the half, I discovered that I was pregnant again. We had planned to get pregnant again, but hadn't expected it to happen so soon. And after having two miscarriages in a row, it was tough for me to be excited and happy at first - and it would prove to take quite a while for happiness to outweigh my fears and nervousness. 

But I was determined to keep running and racing through this pregnancy, so I did just that, starting with the Matty Siravo 5K in June. At 9 weeks pregnant, I ran the race in 28:05, which I thought was just fine. 

In July, at 13 weeks pregnant, I ran the Camire's 4th of July Firecracker 4-miler. It was a relatively hilly course, and since it was July, it was relatively warm, so I made sure to take it really easy. I had seen my pace steadily decreasing as the weeks went on, and I was adjusting to running closer to the back of the pack. It felt strange at first, but I gradually settled into the new rhythm my body was forcing me to adapt to. I completed the 4 miles in 37:39, and felt great afterward. 

 

After a lot of hemming and hawing, in August, I decided that I was feeling well enough to attempt a return to the triathlon that was my first entry into the sport last year - the Newport Naval Station Sprint Triathlon. It was an incredible experience from start to finish, and although I felt terribly slow and sluggish, I completed the race in what I think is a very respectable time of 1:34:37 (1/3 mile swim, 10 mile bike, 3.5 mile run). I still take a tremendous amount of pride in completing a sprint triathlon at 17 weeks pregnant, and probably always will. 

 

September saw me growing rapidly larger, and slower and slower, and running less and less. But I wasn't done yet. I got out for the CVS Caremark 5K in Providence, and had a blast! It was the largest race I've ever run in, so it was a whole new experience for me - and obviously my first time running a race at 24 weeks pregnant, so that was a new experience, too!  I took it nice and slow and easy, finishing in 31:53, and was so happy to have been out there! 

 

I had set a goal early in my pregnancy to run until I was 30 weeks pregnant, and to try to run a race every month during that time, and I almost met both goals. I didn't run a race in October, but I did run right through my 30th week, capping things off with the local YMCA Pumpkin Run 5K on November 1st. My running had become much more infrequent, and even slower, so I knew this would be nothing more than a fun run, and it definitely was fun, especially with the shirt I had made myself, with a huge pumpkin drawn across my belly. I knew this would be my last race, and most likely, my last run while pregnant, so I made sure to really truly enjoy every minute of it. And much to my surprise, I actually ran a few seconds faster than I had run the 5K in September, finishing in 31:25. 

 

But I knew I was done after that, and I haven't run since, so that's where my look back at 2009 comes to an end. I'm really happy that I was able to run as far into the pregnancy as I did, and to do so many races, and although I am really missing it now, it's nothing like the feeling of being unable to run due to an injury. As my body grew larger and more cumbersome, all the aches and pains associated with running got to be too much, and by the end, I was somewhat relieved to say I was stopping. 

And now I'm 39 weeks pregnant, on the verge of having a baby, and already looking forward to what the next year will bring. Obviously it will bring a baby, which is beyond amazing! 

But I also hope it will bring a relatively smooth return to running, and a fun entry back into racing (hopefully in March), and a busy schedule of 5Ks, longer races, one or two more triathlons, and with any luck, a 4-hour marathon in October. 

It's shaping up to be a busy year! 

Quick Update

Went for the D&C yesterday. All went smoothly. The boys spent the morning with friends and had a fabulous time, and I came home and slept all afternoon. 

I'm relieved and glad that this ordeal is finally over. All told, it dragged on for nearly a month, and that is just too long. I'm ready to move on, and now I feel like I will finally be able to. 

Looking forward to a visit from Grammy and Grampy today, and then it's on to planning for Gabe's party this Saturday. 

On to happier things. Finally.

Inaugural Providence St. Pat's 5K

Since I have a case of insomnia, and have been up since about 3:30 and don't feel like I'm going to sleep anytime soon, I figured it was as good a time as any to do a quick recap of the race. 

It was a great race, and I'm thrilled with how well I did, but the technical side of it was the least important part of the day. 

Running and racing have always been a pretty emotional thing for me, and with everything that I've been through the past 3 weeks, and with what I suspect are some pretty wacky hormonal things going on with my body, today my emotions were running extra high. 

My running has been only so-so as I've been going through this ordeal, and I've been nowhere near as fast as I had been running before this all happened, and haven't even been trying to run that fast, so I was shocked to find myself running at a 7:30 pace for the first mile, and feeling pretty good. 

And although I got tired during the second mile, I still felt ok, and kept up the 7:30 pace for that mile, too. The third mile was where the fatigue really set in. I was struggling, but I knew I was almost there, and when I could see the RI State House (where the race began and ended), I dug down deep and found the tiny reserve of energy I had left for one last kick to the finish line, completing the final mile in 7:27 and the final .1 at a 6:58 pace. 

Anger is a very powerful emotion, and I really feel like it's partially responsible for my fast pace today. I certainly haven't been training at that level, so never expected to run that fast. But I think it was my heart and my head that ran this race, and my body was just along for the ride. 

As I waited at the starting line, I found myself on the verge of tears. And that feeling continued throughout most of the race. I can't even remember what was going through my head, but I feel like, over the course of those 23 minutes, I experienced all over again the past three weeks' of emotions - anger, grief, sadness, fear - it was all there, and it was overwhelming, but it wasn't closing in on me. Instead, I felt like I was letting go of a lot of it as I ran. Not all of it, certainly, but a lot of it. 

As I finished the race and waited to see a few friends come in, the tears threatened again, but it was somehow a good thing. 

It was a good day, but a strange one. I guess cathartic would be the best way to describe it. It definitely was something I needed, and I will continue to be unbelievably thankful that I have running to provide me the solace and the peace and the comfort that it has given me, time and time again, when things are rough. 

The most important thing I took away from the race today was that, in the midst of all the emotions I was experiencing as I ran, I remember one specific moment where I honestly truly felt that everything is going to be ok. That's the first time I've felt that way since this all began a few weeks ago, and although it was just for one fleeting moment, just knowing that I could feel hopeful again was a really, really good thing. 

And now that you think I'm a complete freak for babbling on and on, yes, I do remember that it was a race, and I did check the official results, and aside from all the emotional revelations, I am incredibly proud of myself for what I did today. 

Given what I've been through recently, I think that running a 5K in 23:36 (only 15 seconds slower than my PR) is pretty fantastic. I was 38 out of 758 in my age group, and 273 out of 2100 overall. 

A good race, and a good day. 

Ready To Run

There's been a lot of ups and downs lately, and yesterday was, unfortunately, a down day. I was tired and crabby and sad, and no matter what I tried, I couldn't seem to snap out of it.

I'm not going to dwell on it, though. I got through the day, and I went to bed super early and was able to sleep late this morning, and as a result am feeling much better today. 

Off to my race in a few hours, and feeling good about it. It won't be a super fast one - I'm just not back up to speed (literally) in my training yet, and I'll be happy with anything under 25 minutes. 

But it's a beautiful spring day, and it's going to be a fun race, and I'll come home to three boys who love me dearly, and that's pretty awesome. 

Progress

After having a fabulous day on Tuesday, yesterday proved to be just the opposite. I had a doctor's appointment and an ultrasound, at which I expected to be told that the miscarriage was complete. My expectations were wrong, and as it turns out, I still need to go in for a D&C, which I'll be doing Tuesday. 

To say I was angry and upset is an understatement. 

However, I took a deep breath, went out for dinner with some friends, had a few drinks and a lot of laughs, and am feeling much better today. 

I'm still disappointed and angry and disgusted with the whole situation, but I no longer have any interest in sitting around dwelling on it. I just want it all to be over, so I'm anxious for Tuesday to get here and be done with. Closure really is important to the healing process, and I'm looking forward to having it. 

The doctor mentioned that they might be able to get me in for the procedure on Friday, but since I'm planning on running a 5K on Saturday, I opted to wait until next week. A week ago I wasn't sure I was even going to do this race anymore, but now I'm really looking forward to it, and I don't want that to be taken away from me. I've had too many things out of my control lately, and it feels kind of nice to be able to call the shots about something for a change. 

I really am looking forward to the race, too. Since I was up in the city yesterday, I picked up my race number and my timing chip and shirt, so I can avoid all the chaos Saturday morning. They've got about 2,000 registered already, so it's going to be a big event. 

I'm typically not a fan of huge races, but I'm kind of glad this is a big one - I think the excitement and the energy of a large crowd like that is going to be really good for me. And several people I know are running the race, so I'll hopefully meet up with them at some point before or after, so it should be a really fun day. 

This morning's run got me even more excited, too. I'm way beyond the point in my life where I go out and get drunk, but I did help myself to three glasses of wine last night, and had a big steak dinner and dessert, and didn't get to bed until after 11pm, and slept very restlessly (thanks to the afore-mentioned wine and steak and dessert, I'm sure), but still managed to crank out 4 miles at a very respectable 8:27 average pace - including an 8-minute 4th mile. And while I can't go so far as to say it felt effortless, it did feel pretty darn easy, which I really wasn't expecting, given all the factors that could have caused it to be a really rotten run. 

I'm not looking for a PR on Saturday, nor am I overly concerned with my time. I just want to run a good race and ENJOY myself, and after this morning, I feel completely confident that I will succeed on both counts. 

And aside from all that, I've got these two amazing, funny, adorable little boys who have been as entertaining as ever. 

I think Gabe's head is going to explode when he wakes up Sunday morning and finally hears us answer "yes" when he asks - as he has every morning for the past 6 weeks - "Is it my birthday today?"   

When he asked me two weeks ago, I explained to him that his birthday was in two weeks, and showed him on a calendar how long that was, and he sighed and said "TWO WEEKS??!!! But that will take FOREVER!!!"   

He already had one celebration with my side of the family in CT last weekend, and will have another tomorrow when he brings cupcakes into school, and another on Sunday when we celebrate with Scott's family, and then one more when he has a party with friends next weekend. He has no idea how good he's got it. 

Since it's birthday time, we were talking about how old everyone is, and I asked Dante how old he is, and for some reason he has a hard time remembering that he's three. And Gabe was fooling around, pretending he didn't know, so they were both yelling out "2!  4!  5!"   And then Dante yelled out "I'm number one!"  I accepted that as the correct answer. 

Lately, if Gabe wants to know what we're doing, he'll come over and ask "Hey - what are you up to?" And last weekend he displayed just how immodest little kids can be - we were in the car on the way home from the parade and Dante was tired and fussy (and upset because he had just very clumsily - and pretty comically - walked right into a pole). So Gabe reached into the backseat and got Dante's special yellow blanket for him. And Mom and I both told Gabe how nice it was that he had done that for Dante, and that he was a good big brother. He nodded thoughtfully and said "Yeah, and I'm smart, too." 

One of the gifts he got for his birthday was a scooter, and he LOVES it. And he's actually been pretty good about sharing it with Dante, too. They've been doing a lot of "scootering" in the driveway, and it's really cute to watch them. I think the Easter bunny may bring Dante a scooter of his own, mostly because I think it would be really fun to take them both on the bike path and walk with them as they go "scootering" along. 

Gabe was so excited from all the celebrating on Saturday that he stayed awake for the entire drive back home, which is unusual. He usually falls asleep at some point. But instead he kept asking me where all his presents were. He was very nervous that I had forgotten something, and wanted to make sure that everything was accounted for. And then for the last 45 minutes of the ride, he recited "The Lorax" for me several times. We've been listening to the audiobook a lot lately, and also reading it pretty frequently, and he has nearly the entire book committed to memory. I was pretty impressed, since it's a long story! 

There's more I could write, but I'll save it for another day. 

Suffice it to say, my mood is on the upswing, and I've got a lot to be happy about and thankful for, and I'm going to do my best to keep my focus in that direction for the foreseeable future. Progress is good.

Moving Forward

I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in weeks, and it was such a relief. I don't know how long my good mood will last, but I'm not going to think about that right now - I'm just going to enjoy it for what it is, and make the most of it. 

Even more than feeling good emotionally, it's the first time in weeks that I've felt good physically. Last spring, I never actually miscarried, and instead had to go in for a D&C. And while that was a little taxing, it didn't take anywhere near the toll that this miscarriage has taken on me. I have spent the last two weeks feeling completely exhausted and drained of energy. And anyone who knows me knows that that is not my personality, and it's been really unsettling and depressing to get tired just from walking up a flight of stairs. 

I've still been doing some running despite the exhaustion, but it hasn't been going well. Pretty much every run I've had in these past two weeks was a bad one. I just felt tired and sluggish and slow, and was not enjoying running at all. It was not proving to be the uplifting experience it usually is for me. In the face of almost any disappointment or frustration in my life, I have always been able to count on a run to make me feel better, at least temporarily. It always lifted my spirits and made me feel hopeful. 

But that was gone these past few weeks, and that just added to my depression. To not even have that to count on was more frustrating than you can imagine. But this morning, I finally, finally got it back. I could tell from the first step I took. I didn't feel like I was plodding along, forcing myself to keep moving. It felt fun again - finally. 

And even before I got out for my run, I could tell that the day had a very different feel to it. It just feels like something has shifted, and I can see through the fog again. I came downstairs with the boys this morning, and I was able to look at them and clearly see how amazingly lucky I am to have them, and to have family and friends who care about us, and so many things that I am so blessed with. 

The pain isn't gone entirely, nor would I expect it to be at this point, but I feel like it's not overshadowing everything, and it's not weighing me down quite so much. And I can see a point in the future where I will move past it and feel more hopeful again. I'm not sure how far off that point is, but I have confidence that I'll get there, and that's enough for me right now, because just a few days ago, I didn't even have that. 

I still have a ways to go to get to a point where I feel healed, but I feel like I've at least begun the journey now, and for that, I'm very, very thankful. 

Muddling Through

It's been a long week. I've had good days and bad days. The good days are pretty good, but the bad days are really, really bad. 

We tried for nearly 8 months to get pregnant, and last month, just a week or so before I took the pregnancy test, I was really starting to feel like it just wasn't going to happen for us, and was actually beginning to prepare myself for the possibility of not having a third baby. I was even beginning to come to terms with it. 

But then when I saw that positive pregnancy test, I can't even describe how happy it made me, and I knew that I DID want this, more than anything. I didn't realize just how badly I wanted it until I thought we had it. And now that it's been taken away, all that's left is pain. 

The physical pain of the miscarriage, while very unpleasant, is nothing compared to the emotional pain. On the bad days, I just can't seem to shake it. It follows me around, weighing on me relentlessly, making even ordinary tasks seem like enormous obstacles. 

And although the boys bring me so much joy, and force me to keep moving and to see all the wonderful things I am blessed with in my life, they've also become another source of stress, because I feel like I'm sometimes just going through the motions all day, and they deserve and need so much more than that. 

I'm just having a real hard time digging myself out of this hole that I've sunk into. There are bright moments and better days, but when I feel that weight pressing down on me, it just seems impossible to lift it off. 

My appointment was rescheduled to Wednesday, and if I'm still feeling this blue, I will definitely be talking to my doctors about it. I know that we've suffered a loss, and it's normal to grieve and feel sad, but the next part of the process - moving on - has to happen, too, and I'm just feeling like I might need some help with that part - and I'm not afraid to admit it and to seek that help. 

I don't know what I'd do without Scott. He is shouldering so much of the burden right now, and is doing everything in his power to help me feel better, and I want to feel better. I really do. And I know I will. Time heals all wounds, right? I just hope it doesn't take too much time. 

Beginning Again

I haven't written the past few days because they haven't really been good ones. 

Saturday actually wasn't too bad, but Sunday I woke up feeling hopeless and sad, and I also started having quite a bit of pain. It was a long day, and unfortunately, yesterday was even worse, as I spent most of the day in a lot of emotional and physical pain as my body completed the process of miscarrying. 

I never went through that last time, and I will spare you the details, but it's a horrible process, and one I sincerely hope and pray that I never have to go through again. 

Thankfully Scott was home yesterday, and was able to take care of the boys for me, because I really don't know how I would have done it myself. They came up to see me before he put them to bed, and Dante crawled into bed with me and rubbed my cheek with his hand and said softly "It's ok, Mommy. You will feel better." 

And he was right. I was able to get a good night's sleep last night, and I did wake up feeling a little better. The pain has eased up, and feeling like there is some closure to this process is helping me. 

I still need to go in for a final ultrasound Friday to be sure that nothing was retained, and will hopefully have some time to talk to the doctors about where we go from here. 

So I guess we now begin again the process of moving forward and healing. It feels somewhat daunting, but luckily we have a lot of friends and family to help us.

I'll start this afternoon by bringing the boys to the park and getting out in the fresh air and watching them run around and laugh. 

I am more thankful than ever that spring is just around the corner.  

A Better Day

Still not feeling like writing much, but today was a better day. Not without its down moments, but overall, far better. 

I finally got back out on the road, too, which I'm sure went a long way toward improving my mood. I didn't hold back one bit, and basically just blasted my iPod and ran until I was ready to collapse. It was exhausting, but it felt really good. It wasn't a training run - it was purely for therapeutical purposes, and it served those purposes very well. 

The snow is melting, and the forecast is calling for temps near 60 both tomorrow and Sunday, and I know that having a hint of spring is also going to help me feel better. 

And of course there's the boys. Dante came and snuggled with me in bed for a little while this morning before we came downstairs; and tonight when we were putting them to bed, Gabe gave me the sweetest little smile, wrapped his arms around my neck, and planted a big kiss on my cheek. 

No matter what happens in the hours in between, it's nearly impossible not to be happy and thankful when you have such a fabulous beginning and end to the day. 

At A Loss For Words

Today's ultrasound was the same as Saturday's - no baby.  

I really don't even know what to write, or how I'm feeling. Sad, angry, discouraged, scared, numb....

Having the support of our family and friends is making all the difference in the world, and I don't know what we'd do without them. 

I'm currently self-medicating with sushi, wine, chocolate, and stupid tv (aka American Idol) and hoping that tomorrow is a better day.